Addiction

I often wonder what it is

this magic that we do
The rush of life
perverted lust
excitement through and through...
fantasies oft awkwardly revealed
are somehow more powerful
when shared with you
for you will not judge me
on my edgy thoughts
nor things I say or do...
cause YOU my dear
have sharp edges too
which pulsate divinely
whenever they're in view.


Photograph: Max Sauco

On learning how to walk

The man made me cry with his kindness. His strong arms enveloped me while his words of protection and caring soothed me. All my stored tears escaped as I melted into his embrace like a wounded little girl...and I was all the more grateful, for I knew that he would not take advantage of my vulnerability; that his arms would only hold me; that his hands would only stroke my hair, and I would not be asked to give anything I was not comfortable in giving. "No strings attached", he said, and I felt, in that moment, that I could never pull myself away; that I needed to stay inside the safety net he was offering. But then....I awoke, and realized that the real world was where I needed to be; that I would have to learn to accept the embrace of uncertainty and fear, at least for a little while...at least until I grew up and could stand on my own 2 feet, without searching for arms to steady me.

For all we've done and all we've been...

For all that we have done and seen
For all that we have lived and been
For all the history we have made
For all the good and bad things played
For all the time that’s past since then
I know I’d do it all again...

And so I wish from deep within
That you remember where we’ve been
And always with a loving eye
I’ll look to you,
until I die.

My wish for you...

For those of you with love that’s true

of deep devotion thru and thru
where passion like a river flows
along the bed of ecstasy’s throws
and water runs from many tears
induced by His calming
long years of fears
of never finding one who knows
who truly understands the need
where finally you are free to see
each as you were meant to be.

For those who understand these words
my heart is full, my soul is glad
I wish for you long days of peace
and hope your bond may never cease.

What to do when you want more than kinky sex OR Weed them vanilla beans carefully

Fucking Idiots! I'm sorry but the horditudes of men on Collarme that have nics with sir, lord or master in them is unbelievable.....and then!!! and then they write in their profiles they are looking for subs to serve them, cater to their needs, rub their fucking shoulders and oh oh!...the subs must be in good physical shape and have great bodies to serve them by. Good grief! I have really had it! You know, tis a real shame as I have met some rather nice individuals on that site over the last couple of years but it has really gone downhill....wayyyyyy down hill! It seems to attract the sex grovelers mostly now and not as many "real" people that are actually looking for an honest relationship. Please excuse the profanity, but GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

What a shame! I guess it is onto vanilla sites for me. I shall have to pick my vanilla beans very carefully to find ones that have dominant bits cause.......

I am not perfect
nor unique
I tend to wander when I speak
I'm just your average female joe
trying to run my life-like show
and yes perhaps I feel the need
to be submissive; pay him heed
but on vanilla sites I go
for CM men, I don't wanna know
so how to pick the D/s among
the many men just there for fun
not only D, but long term too
cause casual for me, won't do
so with my list of subbie needs
I weed and stream vanilla seeds
in hopes a fertile one will show
and we can make the D/s grow.

*sigh* Trials and tribulations.

More than 2

I went to my first kinky-people-gathering/play party the other night.....very nervous and not knowing what to expect, either in what I was going to "see", or in what my reaction to what I "saw" would be. It was a private play party and the people in attendance were all friends and very nice and personable individuals. What I very much enjoyed was simply being in a room full of unconventional people and being able to talk about whatever....the whatever including all manner of perversions.......wow! How very liberating that was!

What I was not comfortable with, was the play part. Watching people undress and engage in stuff, took me way out of my comfort zone. I felt as though I was intruding into their private space and that I should not have been there. Now I know that is not how "they" felt, but still.....I felt how I felt.

See, to me, sexual interactions between two people "are", or should be, meaningful and intense.....private and intimate. (Does that make me prudish?) To expose yourselves to the outside world somehow lessens the specialness of the intimacy; it does indeed become "play" for play sake. Now, obviously, for many people, that is part of the appeal, whether they be exhibitionistic, or perhaps just view the experience as a chance to share and feed off the sexual energy of other kinky people engaging in scenes around them.

Whatever the case may be, I am not sure that, other than curiosity, I will ever be able to derive much from the public play experience. Not being one to give up easily, however, I will definitely "try" this out again......*smile* As I said earlier, just being in an environment with alt-minded people, is/was, in itself, a very refreshing endeavor.

Pick a Cherry Dammit!

My brain hurts terribly. I have been agonizing over the decision of whether or not to go back to school in September. Never have I known what I want to be when I grow up, and still this is the case; yet I feel I need a new direction, a new beginning......the problem lies within the fact that I have no idea what direction I want to take. Because of my advanced age and limited financial resources it seems imperative that I make the "right" decision, and this is weighing heavily on me. It is weighing so heavily that I am in danger of sitting in one place and not moving in ANY direction. I have always had a problem with "deciding", always afraid of not thinking the problem through as thoroughly as I could have or, heaven forbid, making the "wrong" decision. And optimists will say, "there is no such thing as a wrong decision, as you learn by everything you do and what can be wrong with learning"? I might have agreed with that when I was 20 but it seems a bit different now, from where I stand.

Tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor, rich man, poor man, beggar man, thief,
Or what about a cowboy, policeman, jailer, engine driver, or a pirate chief?
Or what about a ploughman or a keeper at the zoo,
Or what about a circus man who lets the people through?
Or the man who takes the pennies on the roundabouts and swings,
Or the man who plays the organ or the other man who sings?
Or What about the rabbit man with rabbits in his pockets
And what about a rocket man who's always making rockets?
Oh it's such a lot of things there are and such a lot to be
That there's always lots of cherries on my little cherry tree.

I wish the damn cherries would all fall off, leaving only one.

That would make it much easier.

The Exchange

The beauty of Power Exchange, as seen through my eyes, and needed within my soul:

He always listens carefully to what I have to say and values me, respectfully, as a partner of intelligence and worth but....

I am not on equal footing with Him

He holds the power and control

He has the final say on everything

This works, as I trust Him completely and have chosen Him because I feel safe and secure under the power and control He wields

It doesn't have to be complicated, does it?