The Dominant Litmus Test

So you're sitting in a restaurant with a man you met through a vanilla dating site.  This is your second or third "date" and you are really liking this man.  You know that you have to find out if he is Dominant friendly, but you have no idea how to introduce the subject without causing him to run from the restaurant thinking you are some sort of psychologically damaged freak.

This is my conundrum and, if it is mine, it must also belong to others.



 Is there a test?  Can we develop one?

Do you like to lead, or follow, in the bedroom?
 
Do you find it erotic to read to a woman?   Give her a bath?   If I called you "Daddy" would you be repulsed beyond reason?
 
How do you feel about incorporating spanking into a relationship?
 
And bondage?  What does that do for you?

*sigh*

Come on!  This is difficult!  I am not big on being labeled as a sexually deviant weirdo but, not wanting to spend time on sites like Collarme, leaves me little choice. It's gonna happen.

One thing I know for sure.  You cannot make a man with no dominant tendencies, Dominant.   That issue was played out with my husband.......if it ain't there, it ain't gonna be there, no matter how much you, or he (for you) want/s it.

Lighter or Darker

I had an encounter the other day, with a new/old friend.  We spent 9 hours together talking about our lives, our lost loves, our desires.  Although he is vanilla-inclined, I talked in depth about D/s relationships and my feelings and needs.  It was a very liberating experience, to be able to talk to someone about these issues.  He remained open minded and did not judge me. 

The conversation I had with him prompted me to reinstate my blog.  When I left him, I felt cleansed and strengthened and realized that I do not want to hide who I am; more importantly, I need to find someone that can help me "be", who I am.

 Each encounter holds the capacity to render us lighter.

Or to color the experience of our world darker.

Each encounter holds the capacity to engage
our sense of wonder.

Or to help us hide from noticing the
experience of being human.

Each encounter holds the capacity to
tell its story without expectation.

Or to force on the world an opinion
of how it must be.

Each encounter holds the capacity for
us to recognize our sameness.

Or to escape into the experience
of separateness.

And with each encounter comes a decision.

To make our world lighter.

Or darker.


Nick Askew - Soul Biographies

This is Me

Okay.

I apologize for messing around with this blog.

I thought that my feelings had changed; that I had moved on to less-deeply-submissive territory.

But....being on vanilla dating sites and then having a discussion with friends on the matter, I realize that I could never be happy in a vanilla relationship.  I just can't do it.

This is me.  I am here to stay.  No matter how hard I fight it.  No matter how hard I try to tell myself that I am vanilla with just a little bit of "kink"........it simply does not fly right.

So I am back, and I am submissive.

There is a huge hunger, a huge need, deep inside of me.  It is not a need for sex; rather a need to be overpowered, both physically and mentally.  I desperately miss that feeling, of being overwhelmed and taken out of my skin, by someone that I love.

The Reason

There is a reason;

I use to know.....

as the snow fell

and I have seen

the dazzling crystals

it has been;

now I'm looking for the magic
that existed back then.....

I've got to get back to the reason

that I knew long ago

cause beyond all the snow

and deep in my heart

is the soul of the child

that waits to impart...

Only Me

I am only me;
I will be only me
where no one can reach me
and there is no responsibility
for loved ones
who have no ears...
where sorrow and heartache
are far away
and my tears do not fall
on wasted shoulders;
I will not love to the point
of fearing death
for those that never care
for themselves
enough to live
for me.

To Strive, To Seek, To Find

Much has been taken, drained from me
the last months have rendered me weak;
often I rise defeated
not wanting the day
not wanting the day

and then the words of Tennyson....

Tho’ much is taken, much abides; and tho’
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

......and so I rise to face the day

Come what may
Come what may

Communication Equals Respect

When people come out of long term relationships they tend to know certain things; they tend to have a better idea of what they want or need in a relationship but, more importantly, they definitely know what they don't want in a future partner.

This can cause them to produce lists of "desires" on a dating site profile that may be interpreted, by the person reading them, in a negative way.  Personally, I do not mind this, as long as the list is not too long and unrealistic.  I would hope that a person coming out of many years of partnership would have gained some wisdom from the experience.  This is a good thing in my mind and I would rather meet someone who has some definite "partner/relationship aspirations", then some wishy-washy desperately lonely person who will settle for anyone.

For myself, the big need in any future partner is communication.  This is completely crucial to me. Gone are the days of suffering through endless hours with someone in a tension-filled silentfest, trying to guess what is wrong.  My ex-husband was good at stomping around the house, slamming doors and cupboards, and virtually ignoring me or treating me coldly, for hours/days, instead of sitting down and talking to me about what was bothering him.  In the beginning I would question him.....what is wrong, why are you angry?  He would respond.....you know perfectly well what is wrong!  After a while I just gave up and let him stomp and rage around.  I am not a mind reader and I have no desire to be one.  There seemed no point in wasting my energy trying to figure out why he was upset.  So years passed by with many days wasted on unproductive negativity when all that was needed was COMMUNICATION.

I will admit that I am not perfect in this regard; sometimes I need time to process things but...I know that I do not treat my partner badly in the interim.  I may be quiet while the processing is occurring but it does not take me very long to figure it out and then relay my thoughts, so that we can discuss the matter.  This is simply the adult thing to do.

I was in a store the other day and witnessed a couple with a young baby.  The man was asking the woman questions about what she wanted and if she liked this or that.  The woman would not look at him and was answering his questions in monosyllables while looking at their child.  The tension between them filled a space of a 25 foot circumference surround.  I became physically sick to my stomach and had to quickly walk away.

Why oh why do people do this to themselves and their relationships?  I simply do not understand.  Is all this negativity and time wastage really necessary in a lifetime that is altogether too short?  Why can't people just sit down with one another and communicate what is on their minds so they can start the process of understanding and recovery?

It seems to me that if you love someone, it follows that you treat them with respect.  In my mind, behaving coldly or nastily to your loved one does not equal respect.  Respect equals sitting down calmly with your partner and communicating your thoughts.  This is the only way to propagate a loving, understanding, and supportive environment for a healthy union.