Lavender on my Pillow

It has been too long since last I wrote here but...
I've been busy falling in Love
Truly, Madly, Deeply
In Love;
I thought I knew the meaning of the word before but...
I was wrong;
While not fully aware of the happening
I have become His
And now belong to a man who is...
Charming and adorable,
Unpretentious and kind,
Considerate and caring,
Funny and sincere,
Dominant in an unassuming, confident way

He is perfect for me;
has invaded me completely
Every pore of my being is ensorcelled by Him

I have been waiting for this man my entire life
He is my home.

Virtually Toxic

I have never encountered anything like this before.

We met and developed a friendship.  We got along really really well when we were together and enjoyed many of the same things.

We made each other laugh and spent much time together.

But......

It seemed that we could not communicate virtually, without toxic results.

Almost every email message we exchanged would be misinterpreted by the receiver.

And I don't just mean misinterpreted, but the meaning would somehow completely turn itself around, so that the message was translated by the end party into something with angry or negative intent.

It was as though we had never met for god sake!

How is it possible to spend many hours with someone......to really like someone, and then totally misconstrue and misunderstand emails from that same person?

It seems incredible to me......and yet......that is exactly what we kept doing.

It became very uncomfortable. 

It became so uncomfortable that I wanted it to end........yet I don't really want it to end, because I am fond of this man.

You have to wonder though.......if you are virtually that toxic to one another, what horrors may lay in wait for you, as a couple in the real world?!

It's all very sad.

Needs Be

I need to breathe.....slowly
On the inhale, not worrying about having to exhale

I need to live.....fully
In the moment, not reliving yesterday or fretting about tomorrow

I need to love.....spiritually and emotionally
To feel completely......on a higher plane

I need to be loved........accepted
Speaking and acting, without fear of judgement

I need to communicate.......openly
Words flowing freely, unfiltered and raw

I need to laugh......from a primal place
Often and deeply, until it hurts

I need to see......clearly
Striving for objectivity,  even while standing in the fog

I need to be me.....completely
In whatever form that may appear, at any given moment in time

The Big Tease

Teasing, in one form or another (verbally or sexually), is the hallmark of D/s.

The teaser is in a position of power as the receiver is made to blush, be uncomfortable, or be kept on edge.

Sexual encounters/play can last for hours in this type of relationship and it is important to remember that the underlying emotion/concept for both partners is one of control or ownership.  The lower partner is willingly allowing herself to be led, in order to please the Upper one.

The fun can start over dinner with the Upper partner ordering dinner for the 2 of them, without asking what the lower partner wants.  He can ask her to spread her legs, or push them apart with his legs....or instruct her to sip her wine only when he tells her to.  He can talk about what he is going to do to her when they get home......the erotic excitement begins.

On the way home, instead of holding her hand, he encircles her wrist and clenches tightly, instilling in her a feeling of being owned/controlled.

By the time they get home she is already wet with anticipation as he tells her to take off her clothes for him, while he sits on the sofa watching.  She awkwardly and shyly removes her clothing, spinning around slowly as he directs her to.

She is told to go into the bedroom and lie on her back on the bed.   He stands over the bed while she stares up at him from her supine position.   Spread your legs for me little girl....it's time for a cunt inspection.   A million emotions flood her body as she fights the urge to get up and run away.   She moans and writhes, not wanting to do it, yet desperately wanting to do it.   Her face turns dark red as she slowly, hesitantly, does as he has asked.

The man stands there, fully clothed, staring down at her naked, open body.  She hides her face with her arms, embarrassment overcoming her.  Take your arms away from your face and look at me.   She does as he requests, feeling the heat spread from her face all the way down her exposed body.

He takes pleasure in her awkwardness; her willingness to put herself in this uncomfortable situation in order to please him.

She is in that familiar submissive, aphrodisiacal space of being torn...on the edge between not wanting it, and wanting more more more.  That exquisite space between pleasure and pain.

Spread yourself open for me so I can get a better look please.   She is gone now, nothing left to hide, she is His.....she knows she will do anything He asks of her.   Her body is on fire, her mind wonderfully fucked. 

For the next couple of hours He uses her.  Keeping her on the edge.  Inflicting pain until she cries and then soothing it away with deep kisses... there's a good girl, ssshhhhh, you're doing very well.    Bringing her to the brink of orgasm and then not letting her cross over to the other side.....again and again.

Torture and pleasure.

Finally allowing her to release, then forcing her to release again and again......after a while, the magic wand becomes an instrument of anguish, her clit not wanting any more painful stimulation.

Finally, He disrobes....shoving His cock into her tear-stained face.  Fucking it methodically, intently.....making her gag.   Get on your hands and knees.  She turns, ass up, as He plunges deep into her open, wet cunt.  Fucking her as hard as he can.....primal, animalistic sex.

She is a seething, tearful, pile of mush.  A woman well used, well spent. She cannot think clearly, she is in a different place, a familiar space.  A place she is completed addicted to visiting, with a Man she is completed addicted to, leading her there.

But wait......I forgot the most exquisite part. "Aftercare."  He holds her, comforts her, soothes her trembling body with gentle words.  She has been a good girl, His good girl.

Kissing

Kissing, for me, is a very intimate endeavor, not to be taken lightly.  It is much more intimate than sex.  Sex can be had between 2 people that do not even look at each other.  Kissing has to be done face to face, close up and personal.  I cannot kiss someone that I do not share a deep connection with.  It makes me sick to my stomach when it happens; which brings me to my next observation.....

I have been on "dates" (hate that word) with 2 men that have, not only attempted to kiss me goodnight, but shove their tongue into my mouth while they were at it!   This is a complete deal breaker for me.  Any possibility of a relationship is immediately severed for good.  Total yuck!

This is the "other" side of trying to explain to vanilla men what a D/s relationship looks like.   They either run for the door (as in my words below), admonishing me as a nutcase, or think that the raunchy subject matter has flipped on a green light for physical contact with me.

Good grief!

The Dominant Litmus Test

So you're sitting in a restaurant with a man you met through a vanilla dating site.  This is your second or third "date" and you are really liking this man.  You know that you have to find out if he is Dominant friendly, but you have no idea how to introduce the subject without causing him to run from the restaurant thinking you are some sort of psychologically damaged freak.

This is my conundrum and, if it is mine, it must also belong to others.



 Is there a test?  Can we develop one?

Do you like to lead, or follow, in the bedroom?
 
Do you find it erotic to read to a woman?   Give her a bath?   If I called you "Daddy" would you be repulsed beyond reason?
 
How do you feel about incorporating spanking into a relationship?
 
And bondage?  What does that do for you?

*sigh*

Come on!  This is difficult!  I am not big on being labeled as a sexually deviant weirdo but, not wanting to spend time on sites like Collarme, leaves me little choice. It's gonna happen.

One thing I know for sure.  You cannot make a man with no dominant tendencies, Dominant.   That issue was played out with my husband.......if it ain't there, it ain't gonna be there, no matter how much you, or he (for you) want/s it.

Lighter or Darker

I had an encounter the other day, with a new/old friend.  We spent 9 hours together talking about our lives, our lost loves, our desires.  Although he is vanilla-inclined, I talked in depth about D/s relationships and my feelings and needs.  It was a very liberating experience, to be able to talk to someone about these issues.  He remained open minded and did not judge me. 

The conversation I had with him prompted me to reinstate my blog.  When I left him, I felt cleansed and strengthened and realized that I do not want to hide who I am; more importantly, I need to find someone that can help me "be", who I am.

 Each encounter holds the capacity to render us lighter.

Or to color the experience of our world darker.

Each encounter holds the capacity to engage
our sense of wonder.

Or to help us hide from noticing the
experience of being human.

Each encounter holds the capacity to
tell its story without expectation.

Or to force on the world an opinion
of how it must be.

Each encounter holds the capacity for
us to recognize our sameness.

Or to escape into the experience
of separateness.

And with each encounter comes a decision.

To make our world lighter.

Or darker.


Nick Askew - Soul Biographies