I am struggling with something. For the last couple of years I have been pondering this relatively new awareness of mine....the awareness of the submissive "self" within me. A self that, surely, has been there for most of my life, waiting for me to acknowledge and accept its existence. The last few months have been very difficult; leaving my marriage has left me floundering, feeling lost and without direction. I suppose it is because of these "empty" feelings that I have been questioning just how submissive I need/want to be as I go forward into my new life. My parents, especially my Father, raised me to be self-sufficient. He taught me how to use tools and fix things, how to change the oil in a car, how to build a deck. Within my marriage I was the "fixer", the "doer", the care taker of financial, and most other, matters. And now, as I sit here, alone for the first time in 22 years, I feel an intense yearning to have someone dictate my moves to me; to tell me what courses to take at school or where to look for a job, what steps to take, where to live, etc. I want to "react" to the direction of a trusted Dominant partner, one who knows "me" well, as opposed to dealing with the stress of having to figure it all out by myself. It is very hard for me to even write these words; they go against everything that makes up the "me" that I have known for my entire life....and yet, I think that I have to begin to admit these twinges emanating from deep within.
I think I think I think....therefore I am, me.
So....just how submissive do I want to be?
*****************************************************
In the depth of my soul there is
A wordless song - a song that lives
In the seed of my heart.
It refuses to melt with ink on
Parchment; it engulfs my affection
In a transparent cloak and flows,
But not upon my lips.
How can I sigh it? I fear it may
Mingle with earthly ether;
To whom shall I sing it? It dwells
In the house of my soul, in fear of
Harsh ears.
From:
A Tear and a Smile
Kahlil Gibran
I am some more months along the path of the same story about divorce and was raised to be independent too. I have known of my submission and acted on it for far longer than you have also.
ReplyDeleteWhat I have learned Charli is that both things can be true at once- that you want submission for its own sake; for the amazing erotic and emotional experience of it -and you can be taken to the child-like space of yourself by either life or submission and just want 'Daddy' to tell you what to do and be safe and cared for.
Submission is a way of hunting the Child Heart in yourself. Everyone has a Child's Heart. It isn't necessarily childish and immature. It is often quite wise and canny in fact...but it carries innocence and is tender and feels very fragile. It yearns for unity and nourishment.
And sometimes when it feels hurt and lonely and very sad at all the changes that are beyond our control, it wants to be taken care of for awhile.
That's just normal. Anyone would want that in moments of long'ish lasting vulnerability.
I don't know you personally. Its possible that your questioning is going to take you away from submission and that my words here are just about me and not you at all. But you do write with depth about an experience that I know viscerally and so it feels like you meeting the Child's Heart and not knowing the difference to me. A word from someone with a little more experience can sometimes sort us out yanno?
I hope you feel more at ease in your own skin as time passes.
I'm sure you will. *smiles*
I was thinking about the comment I wanted to write, and then I read Greenwoman's comment. It echoes what my thoughts were saying. I am very independent and self-sufficient, yet I am also His pet and His good girl. He does not micro-manage, yet He is also my escape from being strong and assertive most of the time. Remember, you are also going through an emotional upheaval, wanting someone to take over the responsibilities and stresses is quite natural, whether you were submissive or not. Give yourself some time to adjust and you will find the path you want to take.
ReplyDeleteDearest Greenwoman, I completely understand your words and yes, I love the idea of the "child heart"....it is real and true and makes perfect sense to me. Thank you so much for illuminating the differences for me.
ReplyDeleteHi Alice, thank you....I am happy you have been able to find that great balance. As far as "time" goes, I am/will give it to myself...there is nothing else I can do; it would be foolish for me to rush into something that does not "feel" right for me. I know better....*smile*
Hi Aurore, yes I consider myself extremely fortunate to have a couple of amazing dominant friends in my life. And you are correct, they have helped immeasurably over the past few months.
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