Pledge Number Two

I will not rush into another relationship.
I will take the time to first learn "me"; find out who I be.

But...when I do start prowling again, there need to be guidelines...so...

My Bestest Friend

My special woman
My bestest friend
we'll be together till the end
My life is what you've shared with me
through happiness and misery
you held me when I was a babe
you held me yesterday as well
your arms, now the width of a garden hose,
trying to hug me close with what little strength you could muster...
it is my time to comfort you
to try to help you through
a couple of weeks ago when we celebrated your 100th birthday,
you were spry and full of life
you went home that evening and cooked your own meal, like you always do...
such a short time ago and yet.....
today you are a slight shadow of what you were.....just the other day
another lifetime ago
where did it go?
where will I find you Grandma, when you are gone?
I don't know if I can survive without hearing your voice on the phone everyday
I don't know if I want to live without you
who will I giggle and drink gin with...
who Grandma?
this world will be such a lonely place
not like it use to was
no, not like it use to was at all.

Oh Grandma, please don't go!

Pledge Number One

I climbed a mountain in my head
on top of which I made a bed
cozy, safe, and with a view
I lay there while I looked at you
at what you are and what you be
through days when you were mean to me
through days when you were nice as well
through days I wished you'd go to Hell
so many days on which to dwell...

but...
no longer will I let my past
confuse the future still to come
another chance I see ahead
to practice lessons as I tread,
upon my new and improved path;
not allowing "she", otherwise known as me
to be forgotten in her devotion to...
the person with whom she'll start anew.

I realize now
that I have just stumbled into this life
yesterday was a dream
actually somewhat of a nightmare
but this morning when I opened my eyes
everything was different;
suddenly,
what mattered yesterday,
did not matter today;
my eyes were viewing the familiar
in an entirely different light;
like when you look at someone you see every day
and then, out of the blue, they are as a stranger to you
it all seems possible
yes
I will apply myself to constructing something new
I will smother my fears with bursts of strength
and forge forward
into the unknown land
of promise and possibility.

Cherries

A past lover, and one I will hold as a gift for the remainder of my days, once said to me that a woman, every woman, has not one, but two cherries. The one she gives up, as is the expectation. The other? Some aren't even aware of it, but those that are, take every breath, with a longing to expose it, to be taken to core, to be rooted to the absolute essence of her womanhood.

This passage comes from, S. Farrel, a woman with music and poetry in her soul.

sigh

I understand completely.

Sitting

Oh I'm on my way, I know I am,
somewhere not so far from here
All I know is all I feel right now,
I feel the power growing in my hair
Sitting on my own, not by myself,
everybody's here with me
I don't need to touch your face to know,
and I don't need to use my eyes to see
I keep on wondering if I sleep too long,
will I always wake up the same (or so)?
And keep on wondering if I sleep too long,
will I even wake up again, or something
Oh I'm on my way I know I am,
but times there were when I thought not
Bleeding half my soul in bad company,
I thank the moon I had the strength to stop
I'm not making love to anyone's wishes,
only for that light I see
cause when I'm dead and lowered low in my grave,
that's gonna be the only thing that's left of me
And if I make it to the waterside,
will I even find me a boat (or so)?
And if I make it to the waterside,
I'll be sure to write you a note, or something
Oh I'm on my way, I know I am,
somewhere not so far from here
All I know is all I feel right now,
I feel the power growing in my hair
Oh life is like a maze of doors,
and they all open from the side you're on
Just keep on pushing hard; try as you may
You're going to wind up where you started from


Cat Stevens

Solitary Woman

There is no script; yet I desperately need a script.

When the man that I have shared nearly half my life with repeatedly breaks down sobbing in front of me asking....."why are you doing this to me?".....why are you doing this to us?", I have no words that can adequately answer him. Because I am not happy? Because my life feels empty and I need to search for something to fill it up? Because you have needed me to focus on YOU for so long that I have forgotten who "I" am? There is nothing I can say that will make him feel better; in fact, anything I say will likely make things worse (I have tried); so I say nothing. Again and again I deflect his pleas for some revelation that will make sense of all this. It is killing me...it is killing me; I am killing him, and it is killing me. And I defy anyone who tries to tell me that I am NOT killing him....I defy them to come here whilst a meltdown is occurring, and say that to me.

I don't know where it all went wrong.
Once, I was a good person;
Now, I am a fractured beast,
plotter of escapes,
evil bitch who is trying to take his money;
this is not me, not who I want to be......

....and I am alone, no one can help me....not really, I can only play this scene by myself.

Never have I felt so helpless, so sad, so frightened.

...so bloody solitary.