There is no script; yet I desperately need a script.
When the man that I have shared nearly half my life with repeatedly breaks down sobbing in front of me asking....."why are you doing this to me?".....why are you doing this to us?", I have no words that can adequately answer him. Because I am not happy? Because my life feels empty and I need to search for something to fill it up? Because you have needed me to focus on YOU for so long that I have forgotten who "I" am? There is nothing I can say that will make him feel better; in fact, anything I say will likely make things worse (I have tried); so I say nothing. Again and again I deflect his pleas for some revelation that will make sense of all this. It is killing me...it is killing me; I am killing him, and it is killing me. And I defy anyone who tries to tell me that I am NOT killing him....I defy them to come here whilst a meltdown is occurring, and say that to me.
I don't know where it all went wrong.
Once, I was a good person;
Now, I am a fractured beast,
plotter of escapes,
evil bitch who is trying to take his money;
this is not me, not who I want to be......
....and I am alone, no one can help me....not really, I can only play this scene by myself.
Never have I felt so helpless, so sad, so frightened.
...so bloody solitary.
I wish you well Master M.....seems it is a long and winding road.
ReplyDeleteIf it was easy, you would have done it some time ago. Keep in mind this isn't just your decision - it is his as well. He wants what was, not what you are now. If he did, then you two could figure out a way to make it work together.
ReplyDeleteWe all change - sometimes in the form of growth, other times it is simply a matter of becoming who we really are through discovery of the parts that others tried to socialize out of us.
It has been the same for me - and many others.
you will get through it.
Yes, he wants what was, that is true. What "was", was good for a long time. It is hard to let go of something that was so good for so many years.
ReplyDeleteYes, I will get through it. I only hope that I don't accumulate too many scars along the road; I'm not really into body/mind modification, in that way.....smile.