There is a force that envelopes me,
every waking hour, of every day...
for over a year my rain man has held me,
and yet...
I don't want him.
He can be good and kind, yes,
but also...
cold and distant,
and I need to run away,
but it takes all my strength to fight him
and I don't have much reserve right now; yet...
I know it is not right, not what I need;
that I must resist with all my might
and not succumb,
to the rain man.
Rain man, rain man
why am I so wet?
Your coarseness scares me,
you are not poetry and music,
you are roughness and prickles
and I hate it,
I hate you...
I don't want your prickles,
I don't want your sandpaper
why do my thoughts torture me so?
they will not release you from their grip
I don't want you,
and still...
my mind will not let you go
I am imprisoned
by the rain man,
the pain man...
why can't I get free;
why won't you let me be?
During my "bad times", my natural defense mechanism was to shut down, go to that numb place and erect that firewall to the anguish. However, for someone so full of life, that too is an awful place to live. And thus, your spark seeks SOME feeling, even if from a feeling you don't truly desire. Something feels better than nothing.
ReplyDeleteThose pledges you've written announce that you are thinking and strong Charli. You will find that good reason to feel again; and the sun will come out.
Yes, I suppose that makes sense....all of us need to feel, and those "feelings" are not always the ones we may truly desire.
ReplyDeleteThank you.