Awakening

A year ago today
He kissed me
for the first time
wove His hands through my hair
yanked my head back
and kissed me
forcefully
deeply

I melted
I oozed
I swooned;
I knew,
that I had finally found
what it was I was looking for
in one moment of time
it was there
He was there
in front of me

and I no longer had to pretend
or fantasize
about what it would be like
when/if one day it happened

my soul opened up
and felt free to experience
whatever it was that I desired;
all that I had kept hidden
in my heart
for so many years
knowing that revealing myself
would open the door for ridicule
and disgust
knowing that wanting to serve a man
to live for him and through him
to be protected by, and suffer for him
would not be understood by those around me
and so I became use to feeling ashamed
until...

one day
a year ago
He kissed me
for the first time
and my world changed

completely

Anguish

I am overcome by sadness today because he is no longer someone I can turn to, in my life; sometimes, like today, I desperately need....everything from him.
I need to talk to him, hear his voice, his words, feel his hands.
I want his guidance and his direction; his stability and sensibility. He knows how to ground me, and I very much need to be grounded right now.

GOD DAMMIT....I NEED HIM!!!!!

And I know what he would say.

I am right here. If you need me that badly, then come to me.

...and he is right ofcourse but...life is always more complicated than that isn't it?

Do me

because you can
because you want to
because you love me
because you care what happens to me
because you're sadistic
because you take pleasure in hurting me
because you want to make me cry
because you want to see me smile, after I cry
because you want to make me happy
because you want to really "feel" my submissiveness
because you want to own my submissiveness
because you want to own me

Near You Always

Please don't say I love you,
those words touch me much too deeply
and they make my core tremble
Don't think you realize the effect you have over me
Please don't look at me like that
It just makes me want to make you near me always
Please don't kiss me so sweet
it makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow
And please don't touch me like that
makes every other embrace seem pale and shallow
And please don't come so close
it just makes me want to make you near me always
Please don't bring me flowers
they only whisper the sweet things you'd say
Don't try to understand me
your hands already know too much anyway
It just makes me want to make you near me always
And when you look in my eyes
please know my heart is in your hands
It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms
you have complete power over me
So be gentle if you please, 'cause
Your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth
And it makes me want to make you near me always


Words by Jewel

Video here

The Secret Key

In the darkness He comes to me still
His shadow covering my body in quiet
while His hands push/pull/smack/hurt me
while His voice calmly reassures me
that everything He is doing is necessary
that I am being a good girl
and pleasing Him
that He wants/needs to help me
that He knows where I need to be
and that He holds the key
to my happiness
to my freedom
and I think think think
and wonder
if the key is indeed
in His pocket
or resting instead
inside my mind.

Hey You

Hey you, out there in the cold
Getting lonely, getting old
Can you feel me?
Hey you, standing in the aisles
With itchy feet and fading smiles
Can you feel me?
Hey you, don't help them to bury the light
Don't give in without a fight.

Hey you, out there on your own
Sitting naked by the phone
Would you touch me?
Hey you, with your ear against the wall
Waiting for someone to call out
Would you touch me?
Hey you, would you help me to carry the stone?
Open your heart, I'm coming home.

But it was only fantasy.
The wall was too high,
As you can see.
No matter how she tried,
She could not break free.
And the worms ate into her brain.

Hey you, standing in the road
Always doing what you're told,
Can you help me?
Hey you, out there beyond the wall,
Breaking bottles in the hall,
Can you help me?
Hey you, don't tell me there's no hope at all
Together we stand, divided we fall.




Pink Floyd

In Praise of Greener Pastures

I remember what it was like
to feel light and carefree
when the world so amused
and delighted
me
Once long ago
but
not far away
I'd awake full of hope
at the dawn of each day
When negative emotion
was a distant foe
and positive energy
was my lifeforce...
and so?
What has transpired
to create this impasse?
It does not make sense
for it happened so fast!
One day my life
seemed wonderfully right;
oh what I'd give,
to sleep through the night!
Upon sadness and guilt;
rejection and shame,
I'm terminally tired
of this god-awful game.