I don't know what to write, I don't know what to say......I feel so very far away; as if the world was not my home, I roam....and I roam.......completely and utterly, all alone. The ones that know me feel it too; all who touch me come out scarred then wonder why I scratch so hard. Making people feel awkward is not what I wish to do, but....I've lost the ability to perform, along with the knowledge of which gesticulations, articulations, prevarications.....I should use, to put you at your ease. I understand that after 47 years I should know how to act; to wander through the world as others do.....but I do not seem to be able to pull it off. I drift and I drift....please do not be alarmed if my presence causes you distress, it is not you, it is me.
I simply do not know how to be.
Please tell me about it. While I can understand the face that you show us, I'd love to understand what lead you there and how you managed this difference of nature between you and your environment. The Charli I've seen through her messages on this blog is a fantastically genuine passionate person and I'd love to know more about you.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to this inability to perform and I had to go through the hard way to learn how to produce this kind of drive. And I think that what consumed your "performer's energy" is that you couldn't be yourself, that you had to repress your true self in order to match the expectations of the world. I've almost fallen in love with the depth of your emotions, with your intensity, and because it's so scarce most people don't know how to deal with and might simply be overwhelmed. By (unwillingly) denying this part of your identity you can't be yourself, you can't have the energy needed to perform as a normal (boring?) person and you will slowly fade away.
But given that I know only a part of the virtual muse named Charli, I might be wrong.
"all who touch me come out scarred then wonder why I scratch so hard" What did you do ?
And you presence doesn't causes me distress. On the contrary I crave everything you put in the notes published here. This very note included.
Gabriel
I'd like to thank you, Gabriel. I try to be genuine and I am definitely passionate. You are also correct in that I have chosen to repress myself for many years in order to live a life that traveled down a certain path.
ReplyDeleteI am going through a major life change at the moment (no, not hormonal) and nothing is as it should be; everything is wrong....my emotions, thoughts, reactions, actions. I no longer know who I am or what I want, whether I am being genuinely me, or someone else entirely.
Most days I feel as though I reside in the Twilight Zone.
my first thought when I read this? sounds like you need a good beating.
ReplyDeletewarm and wonderful hugs to you, Charli.
smile....perhaps I do cp.....perhaps I do.
ReplyDeleteJust a big hug for you! I never feel distressed when i am here at your space; i'm always delighted by your words and think you're a very special, intense, beautiful human being. In áll the ways you allow us to read here.
ReplyDeletexxx <3
"I am going through a major life change at the moment (no, not hormonal)"
ReplyDeleteThat was funny :-)
"I no longer know who I am or what I want, whether I am being genuinely me, or someone else entirely."
You are genuinely yourself. I think that your recent inability to perform comes from the disappearance of your fake self. Becoming who you were meant to be should clear this temporary imbalance and you will be able to perform perfectly once again.
"Most days I feel as though I reside in the Twilight Zone."
Every day I come here I feel as though I am visiting paradise. The chaos you might be experiencing now is just temporary. You are incredibly resourceful and this transition might exhaust you mentally and even physically but I believe that you have what it takes to go through it unscarred.
Even if you can doubt your environment, you should be confident in yourself. The incredibly strong parts of yourself that I can see through your notes is the very reason why I've coming here since forever. You are an intense woman, you're also incredibly exciting and most of all you've decided to explore your mind and discover your real self.
It can be disconcerting but that's the choice you've made. In fact, it's even in your profile.
You're in control Charli. It's a choice you've made a long time ago. You can be disconcerted by what's happening but you shouldn't be distressed.
Thank you Gabriel, for your kind words, praise, and support. I am sure that I don't deserve it but will accept it in the spirit with which it was given........smile.
ReplyDelete