In the Stillness of the Night

In the stillness of the night
he held me close and made me right
within the silence of the room
his hands caressed away my gloom
under gentle, watchful eye
he touched my skin and made me fly
and his voice was in my ears
gently soothing all my fears
and his teeth were in my skin
carving pain's delicious sin
his heart,
his essence,
he did lend;
I'm blessed to have him,
as my friend.

Mad Woman's Rant

Life is proving to be rather challenging as of late. No one wants to rent an apartment to me as I have not held a "traditional" job for the last few years, so have no paystubs or T4s to show them. The occupation that I "did" work in for 15 years is now requiring that I have official certification, which would require going back to school for 2 years. So basically they are saying that I can learn much more in a 2 year college course than I can in 15 years of on the job training. GRRRRR!!!! My husband (I mean ex) has broken up with his little 24 year old tart and is now back to his "I done him all wrong" trip. Perfect! That's what I need right now, a little more guilt to mix in with all the other crap I am dealing with. My Father has just broken up with his partner of 11 years and is using me as his sounding board and shoulder to cry on. I am still trying to deal, and come to terms with, the death, in September, of my beautiful Grandmother and best friend. And then there are men! What the hell am I suppose to do with them? My friends tell me that I should date several men to keep it light and see what's out there. Huh? I can't even remember what date it is, how the hell am I suppose to deal with "several" men? Sorry but I am not thusly talented; that is taking multi-tasking to a whole new level.

Am I feeling sorry for myself?
YES! FUCKING YES!

Phew! That feels better. Amazing what a little purging will do.

On Friendship

Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.

When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay."
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.

And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

Kahlil Gibran

Charli as a Desirable, Sexual Being?

My many years of living within a relationship based entirely on NON-sexuality has had the effect of making me not know how to respond to someone who finds me sexually appealing. More specifically, finds me desirable as a sexual being. As in, what are you saying exactly when you say that I am cute, or have nice breasts, or that I am very yummy? Are you objectifying me? Are you saying that that is ALL you like about me?

Now, on the surface you would think that I would be pleased to finally have someone "enjoy" me as a sexual person. But the reality is that, I am use to being loved for my humor, my personality, my character, etc., and NOT my body or my looks........so, for goodness sake, I have no idea how to handle someone who thinks of me as a "complete" woman!

The world is a very frightening place, Daddy.

The Comfort of Friends

Within your arms a calmness fell,
a hallowed place I don't know well,
within your kiss I squirmed inside,
where gentle yearnings still reside
within the soft, erotic space
I melted down without a trace,
of tensions that had come before,
I happened through your provocative door.

How submissive do I want to be?

I am struggling with something. For the last couple of years I have been pondering this relatively new awareness of mine....the awareness of the submissive "self" within me. A self that, surely, has been there for most of my life, waiting for me to acknowledge and accept its existence. The last few months have been very difficult; leaving my marriage has left me floundering, feeling lost and without direction. I suppose it is because of these "empty" feelings that I have been questioning just how submissive I need/want to be as I go forward into my new life. My parents, especially my Father, raised me to be self-sufficient. He taught me how to use tools and fix things, how to change the oil in a car, how to build a deck. Within my marriage I was the "fixer", the "doer", the care taker of financial, and most other, matters. And now, as I sit here, alone for the first time in 22 years, I feel an intense yearning to have someone dictate my moves to me; to tell me what courses to take at school or where to look for a job, what steps to take, where to live, etc. I want to "react" to the direction of a trusted Dominant partner, one who knows "me" well, as opposed to dealing with the stress of having to figure it all out by myself.

It is very hard for me to even write these words; they go against everything that makes up the "me" that I have known for my entire life....and yet, I think that I have to begin to admit these twinges emanating from deep within.

I think I think I think....therefore I am, me.

So....just how submissive do I want to be?

*****************************************************

In the depth of my soul there is
A wordless song - a song that lives
In the seed of my heart.
It refuses to melt with ink on
Parchment; it engulfs my affection
In a transparent cloak and flows,
But not upon my lips.

How can I sigh it? I fear it may
Mingle with earthly ether;
To whom shall I sing it? It dwells
In the house of my soul, in fear of
Harsh ears.

From:
A Tear and a Smile
Kahlil Gibran

The Important Things

look into my eyes

touch my skin

no, it's not overtly sexual...

it's the firm grasp of your hand encircling my wrist

it's the way you dig your nails into my back when your arm is around me

it's the gentle tug on my hair when we're walking down the street

it's the soft whisper of, "Daddy's going to make you cry when we get home", while standing in line at the grocery store

it's the way you look at me from across the room

it's the way you button up my coat before we leave the restaurant

it's the act of you shoving your fingers down my throat and giving me a "good girl" when I don't gag

it's the sound of your voice proclaiming "mine" as you pinch me until I gasp

it's being spanked *hard* because I've done something to displease you

it's having my face slapped for a similar infringement

it's knowing you won't let me get away with anything; that you'll hold me accountable for my actions, in any way you see fit

....that's how I know that you love me,
that you care,
that I'm Yours.

Reality Bites

Back to Ontario, where reality lives;
grown up decisions are begging to be made but...
those all around me are drowning in chaos,
while chaos is the last thing that I want to see,
shall I push them away,
disregard their pleas;
concentrate only on me?

And...

If I sit long enough without making a decision
maybe a decision will be made without me?
while I type out these words
all creatively like....
things will just happen, whilst I sip my tea...

Cause the truth will be told,
and I'll tell it in case
I've not glimpsed the direction,
that I'm meant to face...
oh sure I've had inklings,
and smidgeons or two,
but no clear-cut pathway,
of what I'm s'pose to do.

Shades of Love

I am learning about love. After breaking free of 21 years of isolation and confinement I am beginning to comprehend the myriad flavors and shades of love. I have been living a sheltered existence, only realizing one degree, one flavor of feeling, of being.

My new life is already full of wonderful people and they allow me to learn new things about myself everyday. I am so grateful for these amazing friends, guides and teachers; especially my Rainman, who has been by my side during my very worst storms.

These are hard times; tough lessons. Nothing is easy when emotions are on the line. I now know there will be many people in my life and that I will feel for all these people in different shades of love. But what is important, really important, is that this is OKAY. It is okay to have many people that I love, in my life. It is okay to have different feelings for each and every one of these people.....AND it is okay to love more than one person at once. This last one is a biggie for me. I have never easily "shared" my feelings among people. I have never considered myself capable of loving more than one person at a time.

These are hard times; tough lessons. I am learning......new lessons, new ways of being.

It is not easy.
I feel sad quite often.
I feel alone quite often.
But.....
I feel ALIVE.

....and THAT, must be good.

True Confessions of a non-slut

I am not interested in men who only want me for sex
I can't do just sex
I need more for the experience to hold any pleasure for me
He has to be a good friend, at least a good friend; preferably someone who has the potential to be a full-time partner.
Does this make me less slutty? Probably.
I definitely don't think I fit the bill of your average run-of-the-mill, free-wheeling slut.
I am not bisexual, or "heteroflexible", or whatever the hell it is called this hour, and, reading through Fetlife profiles, it seems I am one of the few straight women left on earth.
Does this make me less slutty? Probably.
I am not an exhibitionist and have no desire to play in public.
Does this make me less slutty? Most likely.

Boring huh?

I want to share my life with a Dominant partner, someone with whom I can freely and openly express my submissiveness. Someone I trust enough to give away my consent to; otherwise though, I suspect my life will be rather normal.

Do I have a raunchy, deviant, sick mind? Yup! But my mind is much more raunchy and deviant than "I" am. It's okay, I am growing comfortable with my new role of (what I am) and not worrying so much about (what I'm not).

What I am:

A kinky, filthy-minded, submissive non-slut.

Amen.