Saturday, July 18, 2009


If ever I needed a guiding force in my life, it is now

If ever I needed you to take-me-in-hand, it is now

I am lost in a sea of debris…21 years of detritus to navigate through

The emotional toil is insufferable and I now understand why people stay where they are, stagnant relationships being infinitely more pleasing than uprooting a trunk, bound deeply into the heart and soul of its soil

My husband is not the only casualty; daily I question the wisdom of being the bearer of so much despair; often I want to turn to him and tell him it was all a joke, that I was just kidding, that I would never do that to him….

But I am doing it…tearing into little pieces of the empire that, together, we constructed, of laughter and tears, over the course of, what seems like, a lifetime

If you ask me “why”, I will look at you with blank expression, the urgent need to escape forgotten, in the present path of destruction

So…please take me now, away from this place of desolation; free me from myself and let me rest my weary and submissive spirit on your shoulders

Feed me, fucking feed me........please

Friday, July 17, 2009


She wanted to weep suddenly,
wanted to breathe her breath into his,
wanted to offer her blood
as liquid for him to breathe in,
to be born again and again,
and then once more
like a small death, a gasp.

She wanted to live as intensely as possible;
walk on the edge, just until her feet became bloody,
stopping before harm was done
Breathing deeply and ecstatically
feeling the breath in her heart
and her sex
knowing she was effervescent,
knowing she was vital;
that she was, first and foremost, a sexual being

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


I am posting these inspirational words in honor of my friend Charlie, who first brought them to my attention. I also intend to try and live them, for soon I will be free to be me, whoever she may be (this is still to be discovered).

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann

Sunday, July 12, 2009

The Road Not Taken

I'll never really know, will I...
if I've made the right choice
by choosing to veer off onto the road less traveled;
Yes, it's made all the difference
but the path is strewn with thorns and brambles
and so I wonder...
if I'm walking toward my destiny
or perhaps took the wrong turn, a few miles back.

Life is a gamble;
we never know what is behind door number 2...or 3;
if I believe everything happens for a reason,
then I have nothing to worry about;
my path is set out for me;
yes, I would like to believe that a power, greater than myself,
is watching over me;
it would be a comfort to really "feel" that truth right now.
Okay, so be it.

I have told him that I am leaving,
So I will leave;
Let the wings of destiny take me where they want to go.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Please be gentle with me...

Today, I don't want you to use me, or hurt me. I need you to hold me and love me, surround me and keep me safe. I want to feel your powers of protection and caring, kindness and I may melt into your circle of Dominance and feel that no harm or sadness will ever come to me, as long as I stay here, within you.

Please send Sir away.
I need my Daddy today.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

To My Husband

We scar each other's souls
and wound our fragile hearts
throw words like razor blades
to rip it all apart.

We eat each other's thoughts
and spit them in the air
act as though we never loved
or never gave a care.

You say you want me forever
a sentiment I can't keep
for my feelings are just friendly now
and I cross the hall to go to sleep.

Pain and frustrations have brewed
till bitter-black and strong
surely there comes a point
when it's gone on for too long.

Sweeping the passion away
as you throw it in my face
I can't receive what I don't feel;
I can't respond to what's not real.

I'm oh so sorry I can't be
all the things you need from me.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

A note to men who post pics on dating sites...

I've been thinking about photographs. Specifically, photographs that people post on sites wherein they are trying to meet potential mates/sex partners. Pictures can be very misleading as they are but a moment in time and, depending on what was happening in that particular moment, they can be horrendously misrepresentative, as in, not flattering and really not looking much at all like the real-life version....OR, they can be overly flattering, having caught the model in a rare moment of colossal (but rare indeed), beauty.

Now, all this is well and good but the fact remains that if the intention is to actually "attract" prospective mates, problems can arise. You see, it is sometimes difficult for the "posters" of these pics to be objective. Often, if the poster is a male, he will not be critical enough and post pics that do not show him in....let us say... his most perfect light. In these instances it is imperative that he employ the services of a female friend that he trusts to "vet" the photos before he posts them because, let's face it, people will absolutely judge you on these photographs, and this first glance of a person can make or break an initial contact. AND.....see, here's the thing, we women can be very very superficial and picky when it comes to looks. If you don't look good in a photo that you post on a dating site, we ain't gonna contact you......sorry but it's not going to happen. Is this unfair? Yes. Are all women like this? No. Are most of them? Yes.

Now women....are use to scrutinizing themselves to death, so the chance that they will post an unbecoming photo is not as great. Ofcourse the superficiality of women probably pales in the light of male propensity to judge and criticize by looks but, like I said, women will be more careful when posting images of themselves.

My meanderings and wanderings through BDSM "dating" sites have prompted me to write this. Please men....I want you to meet someone, but if you post yucky pictures of yourselves, your chances are greatly reduced.

I am trying to help.

Okay, now there is another side to the story above. I am thinking now of a profile I saw not too long ago.....a Dominant male was in search of a submissive female....and what was he wearing in his cover photo?.....a sweat shirt, baggy jogging pants and slippers! Now come on people, I ask you!! See? this instance, it was a good thing that this guy was thusly attired (and truly revealed himself) as it will save women the trouble and bother of contacting this idiot!!

Honest, I am trying to help.

Oh wait! I just thought of something else that really irks me! Men who post cock pictures!!! Good grief, talk about a turn off. If there is one sure-fire way of getting me to bolt in the other direction, it's a guy who thinks it's ok to post naked pictures of himself and his cock in his profile.....YUCK!!!!

Alright, I'm finished now.


Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Between Going and Staying

Between going and staying the day wavers,
in love with its own transparency.
The circular afternoon is now a bay
where the world in stillness rocks.
All is visible and all elusive,
all is near and can't be touched.
Paper, book, pencil, glass,
rest in the shade of their names.
Time throbbing in my temples repeats
the same unchanging syllable of blood.
The light turns the indifferent wall
into a ghostly theater of reflections.
I find myself in the middle of an eye,
watching myself in its blank stare.
The moment scatters. Motionless,
I stay and go: I am a pause.

Octavio Paz