Awakening

A year ago today
He kissed me
for the first time
wove His hands through my hair
yanked my head back
and kissed me
forcefully
deeply

I melted
I oozed
I swooned;
I knew,
that I had finally found
what it was I was looking for
in one moment of time
it was there
He was there
in front of me

and I no longer had to pretend
or fantasize
about what it would be like
when/if one day it happened

my soul opened up
and felt free to experience
whatever it was that I desired;
all that I had kept hidden
in my heart
for so many years
knowing that revealing myself
would open the door for ridicule
and disgust
knowing that wanting to serve a man
to live for him and through him
to be protected by, and suffer for him
would not be understood by those around me
and so I became use to feeling ashamed
until...

one day
a year ago
He kissed me
for the first time
and my world changed

completely

Anguish

I am overcome by sadness today because he is no longer someone I can turn to, in my life; sometimes, like today, I desperately need....everything from him.
I need to talk to him, hear his voice, his words, feel his hands.
I want his guidance and his direction; his stability and sensibility. He knows how to ground me, and I very much need to be grounded right now.

GOD DAMMIT....I NEED HIM!!!!!

And I know what he would say.

I am right here. If you need me that badly, then come to me.

...and he is right ofcourse but...life is always more complicated than that isn't it?

Do me

because you can
because you want to
because you love me
because you care what happens to me
because you're sadistic
because you take pleasure in hurting me
because you want to make me cry
because you want to see me smile, after I cry
because you want to make me happy
because you want to really "feel" my submissiveness
because you want to own my submissiveness
because you want to own me

Near You Always

Please don't say I love you,
those words touch me much too deeply
and they make my core tremble
Don't think you realize the effect you have over me
Please don't look at me like that
It just makes me want to make you near me always
Please don't kiss me so sweet
it makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow
And please don't touch me like that
makes every other embrace seem pale and shallow
And please don't come so close
it just makes me want to make you near me always
Please don't bring me flowers
they only whisper the sweet things you'd say
Don't try to understand me
your hands already know too much anyway
It just makes me want to make you near me always
And when you look in my eyes
please know my heart is in your hands
It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms
you have complete power over me
So be gentle if you please, 'cause
Your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth
And it makes me want to make you near me always


Words by Jewel

Video here

The Secret Key

In the darkness He comes to me still
His shadow covering my body in quiet
while His hands push/pull/smack/hurt me
while His voice calmly reassures me
that everything He is doing is necessary
that I am being a good girl
and pleasing Him
that He wants/needs to help me
that He knows where I need to be
and that He holds the key
to my happiness
to my freedom
and I think think think
and wonder
if the key is indeed
in His pocket
or resting instead
inside my mind.

Hey You

Hey you, out there in the cold
Getting lonely, getting old
Can you feel me?
Hey you, standing in the aisles
With itchy feet and fading smiles
Can you feel me?
Hey you, don't help them to bury the light
Don't give in without a fight.

Hey you, out there on your own
Sitting naked by the phone
Would you touch me?
Hey you, with your ear against the wall
Waiting for someone to call out
Would you touch me?
Hey you, would you help me to carry the stone?
Open your heart, I'm coming home.

But it was only fantasy.
The wall was too high,
As you can see.
No matter how she tried,
She could not break free.
And the worms ate into her brain.

Hey you, standing in the road
Always doing what you're told,
Can you help me?
Hey you, out there beyond the wall,
Breaking bottles in the hall,
Can you help me?
Hey you, don't tell me there's no hope at all
Together we stand, divided we fall.




Pink Floyd

In Praise of Greener Pastures

I remember what it was like
to feel light and carefree
when the world so amused
and delighted
me
Once long ago
but
not far away
I'd awake full of hope
at the dawn of each day
When negative emotion
was a distant foe
and positive energy
was my lifeforce...
and so?
What has transpired
to create this impasse?
It does not make sense
for it happened so fast!
One day my life
seemed wonderfully right;
oh what I'd give,
to sleep through the night!
Upon sadness and guilt;
rejection and shame,
I'm terminally tired
of this god-awful game.

Perpetual Patterns

I have been sitting in this corner
my whole life
observing and listening
breathing
occasionally an "incident" occurs
which allows me to see with wide-open eyes
the shallowness I have wallowed in
for all of these years
the emptiness I have contained myself in
for protection and security
the life I have denied myself
in the name of introversion
and I watch my little nieces meandering down the same road
because they are being raised by someone with similar insecurites
and I am saddened by the circle of life
the patterns that are repeated
through families and generations
and I wish that I could change circumstances for others
but I cannot
the best I can hope for
is to change them for myself

If I Could

If I could just drift in your arms once again

I think that my world would be right

If I could exist in that moment when

I feel I will break cause you hold me so tight

If I could swim inside those eyes

that make my heart stand still

I know that I could brave what comes

however big the hill



Painting: Andrew Newell Wyeth

Lost in a Ticky Tacky World

I go about my life
in a somewhat normal way
I pay the bills
I feed the cat
I listen to what the neighbors have to say
but
inside I seethe with emptiness
a stranger in this land
who has difficulty comprehending
the banality that's at hand
I drown inside with dark dark thoughts
I need to keep inside;
oh to find some kindred folk...
I'd travel far!
I'd travel wide!

I live with my obsession
as though it were a dream
in this land of "normal" people...who have:

sex on Fridays
missionary style
lights out
hurry up, my TV show is on
passionless bodies
in their ticky tacky houses
all in a row

and I wonder...
why am I here?
in this cold and foreign place
with these people I do not know
or want to know

where is "my" world
and where are its inhabitants?

I need to be surrounded
by people more like me
I need to feel like I belong
before my soul can be set free.

He and I

It would outwardly appear that He has abandoned me at a time when I most need friendship and support, but that is not true. He has not abandoned me, and would like nothing more than to be with me on a full time basis. During this period when I am trying to figure out how best to cope with, and decide, what lies ahead for myself within/without my marriage of 21 years…He cannot help me. Perhaps because I only know how to “think” within an independent framework of only-myself and have never learned to be submissive with respect to allowing someone else to actually help me to the point of, what would seem to me now, as “interfering”, I have to do this alone. It is also true that when we are in regular day to day contact, I am not as motivated to change my life and this does not appear, at first glance, to make sense. I believe it is because, as long as I have communication with him, I feel somewhat content; when it is pulled away however, I have nothing, and am, therefore, more motivated to do something to rectify the situation.

And…this is not just about me. He has a life to live as well. During this period of conflict and distress in my life I have admittedly been…”more than a handful” to try and deal with, and the fact that He has to deal with me long distance, makes it much more difficult to do. It would be unfair to ask him to “wait” for me, as I do not know what I am going to do or when I am going to do it. I am more and more certain, however, as each day passes, that I must leave, break free. The hurt and anguish this will cause my husband, as well as myself, has prevented my moving in any direction, for many years.
This has got to change.

I cannot tell you how many times I have fantasized about having my own apartment. I even know how I will decorate it. See, I think that I need to be on my own for a while, find out “who” I am, exactly. I have been my husband’s wife for so many years that I have forgotten what “I” am like; and now I have a new submissive side of me to explore and discover as well. I also dream of being with Him; being free to actually enjoy being with Him….gosh that would/will be wonderful!

There are kind people who are concerned about me and were concerned that He and I had lost our connection. We have not lost our connection. Our connection will always be there, whether we act on it, or not.

It would be lovely to be able to act on it.

To be continued.........

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late enough,
and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.


Mary Oliver

Random Thoughts, Idle Mind

Through your eyes...

I am only as you see me;
it matters not what I see, for the vision you make of me is all I desire to be.

When you see me, I am beautiful,
a girl worthy of your adoration.
What more do I need!?

If I remain trapped inside, I will succumb to the decay of a thousand poison thoughts,
Reveal me, before the erosion becomes irreversible.
______________________________________________

Because she'd been living a lie for so long, the truth was difficult to find.
______________________________________________

-Never pretend to love someone.
-Never pretend to be happy in bed when you're not.
-Never go out with anyone who isn't as glad to see you, as you are to see them.
______________________________________________

One can only truly be "themselves" in a place where they are unknown; if no one knows you, there are no preconceived expectations of behavior, on either side.
______________________________________________

With the passage of time, what was once love, can turn into something else.....habitual comfort.

Respect is replaced with tolerance.
_____________________________________________

I feel like I've done all this before,
because I have.
Life just keeps going around and I find myself taking the same pictures,
over and over again;
the only thing that changes is the way my face looks in the mirror.
Is this it then?
A continuous ride on the same ferris wheel...year after year until I drop dead?

Hay mas?
Algo differente?
Dios Mios!
_______________________________________________

It matters not if the words are cryptic, the meaning unclear.
People will choose the message they want to hear,
they need to hear.
This will always be true, regardless of the clarity of the presentation.

In My World

In my world of "never was"
In my world of "what might be"
There's a world of "what is now"
which makes it very hard to see
the horizon through the trees
and it brings me to my knees
cause I need a path to follow
but the forest being so thick
leaves me feeling kinda hollow
so I flounder far and farther
while I'm spinning down and down
in my sea of "what is now"
till I feel that I will drown.

Close the Circle

He says....

See me take her, turn her, learn her
See me take her hands and lead her,
To the bed we shared that night.

Leave us there upon the bed now
With her, awkward, frightened, stunned, delighted,
Silence all the protestations,
all her mournful lamentations
Close the circle of her questions.

In the aftermath we bathe,
With her, trembling, tears, and clinging,
Desperate, hungry, needy, child
Taste the element that is missing
and become who I embrace right now.