Monday, September 28, 2009

What? Where?

is he/she...?
This elusive partner that most of us have dreamed of,
is he to remain an illusion, a fantasy....
We search, endlessly, for the "right one";
I hear people cry and mourn over their futile attempts to procure...
the "perfect" partner.

Are our expectations too high?
Do we pine for someone that does not/can not exist?
If this is so....our search will last until our death;
we will take our desires, our needs, with us to the grave.

...and that is sad.

We should not settle for less than we deserve but...somewhere along the line, our expectations have to line up with reality....what we think we need/want, and what we can realistically expect/live with, will have to learn to happily co-exist with each other.

Life is imperfect.
"We" are imperfect.
It's time we, not only think we know this, but seriously embrace this fact.
It is our only hope for any sort of happiness and contentment.

Not perfection,
but perhaps peace,
perhaps contentment,
perhaps managing to get the bulk of our needs met,
perhaps being allowed to go elsewhere to receive the rest of them...
We can sculpt our lives,
we do not/should not depend on one person to meet all of our needs;
this is impossible and places a tremendous burden on the relationship.
My husband expected me to be his was very stressful.

In my new life, I vow to lower my expectations and to realize/accept that people (including myself) are imperfect.

I vow to allow myself, to be happy.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

My Life in Plastic

There is no security in my life right now. I am without a permanent address; without a job. This is an intolerable situation for a control freak like me, and so....I control what little I have control over. My entire life is organized into baggies. Big baggies, medium size baggies and tiny baggies. A baggy for every little item I own. I have an underwear baggy, a sock baggy, a makeup baggy, an electronic-gear baggy....well, you get the idea. I wonder, as I zip the Calcium back into the vitamin baggy, what on earth people did before the baggy invention?? How did people organize themselves, for god sake! How did recently-separated, need-to-take-charge-women, cope, when the chips were down?

I am grateful, very grateful. Baggies are my silver lining, my saving grace.

We all need someplace to put our crap. I may not have a home, but my life, what remains of it, is securely ensconced in plastic....and that affords me a smidgeon of organizational security.

I'll take what I can get.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

My Bed

I am lonely
I am empty
devastatingly; inconsolably...
I need to be held
I need to be held by the man who has loved me and taken care of me for 21 years
The man who has seen me at my very worst, and at my very best
The man who accepted me, regardless of what I threw at him
That man
I need to be held by that man
that man is holding someone else
A new someone
And so, he can't hold me...
And it is all my doing.

It is my bed;
a cold bed...
and I can cry, and cry
but still...
there is no warmth
no rest
no peace
only sadness,
only me.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


In the darkness she waits
her breath slow and rhythmical
her creative mind
heavy and unmotivated
fingers perched over the keyboard;
waiting for the inspiration that will not come
realizing that what she needs most of all...
is stimulation,
a muse, perhaps?
she should muse more herself
reflect deeper, more deeply
breathe in the creative aura of experience
and tap tap tap those fingers
like she did once before
when she was tapped,
tapped into her...
self, her independent self
her creative soul searching for something...
other than what it had
her mind thinking, almost constantly,
through her cunt;
that worked...
when her entire being was governed by her sexual desires,
she felt motivated
and now what?
too much shit,
too much life,
too much strife....but
one day
the body will contact the mind
and the mind will again soar...
with erotic, unbridled sexuality
and she will at last,
be free.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Irreplaceable Me

This weekend I sit here and ponder life. My ex husband has already found a new girlfriend (yes, she is 25) to spend his weekends with; my lover has found another woman to spend the weekend with....and here I sit, trying hard not to feel sorry for myself. If ever I harbored feelings of being "irreplaceable", they have taken the express train to Oblivion.

Perhaps not surprisingly, the notion of being someone's primary love interest has been on my mind lately. This is an avenue I did not properly explore while in my marriage. You see, my husband NEVER gave me any reason to be jealous. He always made me feel special and I never doubted how much he loved me...... I really never did; I now realize how lucky I was and I am so grateful to him for giving me that feeling of "continual love" throughout the years. Always I felt secure and safe and never threatened, and I now realize how nice (and special) those feelings were.

Although I was not faithful to my husband, I believe that I am a monogamous creature by nature. I continue to believe that it is possible to obtain the correct balance of freedom and growth "within" a relationship, to allow for many years of blissful co-existence. Finding the correct person to do this with, however, is the eternal dilemma.

The notion of being cherished as the most special person in someone's life is a good one; I am going to miss it....I do miss it. I am not good at sharing. I never wanted to share my toys when I was a child and I have no desire to be shared or to share the man I am in a relationship with. It is simply how I am built. In order to feel loved and secure I need to be the center of someone's world, as he will be the center of mine.

Okay, so I am not irreplaceable. Another lesson learned.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

In the heat of the moment...

Upon further thought, over the last few days, I now realize how daft the blog post below was. First of all, the lawyer was a decent man, he was not pushing me to claim the full amount that I was entitled to under the law, he could tell that I was not about to even contemplate going that route. He was simply trying to educate me on my rights and wanted to make sure that I wasn't shafting myself.

And I didn't "cave"....I made a decision in the heat of the moment, which, I know from past experience, I should never do.

I also do NOT believe that this has anything to do with my submissive personality; only an aspect of weakness in my character which has much to do with always wanting to make everyone happy and not disappoint people. It has much more to do with my insecurity, than my submission.

Obtaining more "guts" and a stronger spine are something I intend to work on.

I have been informed, incidentally, that it is not a problem for me to change the agreement back to the way I want it. I am very relieved about this.

I will now excuse myself as I must return to my blissful visit with the Rainman. Coming to visit him has been my light at the end of this endless tunnel. It is amazing just how cathartic a little bit of love and D/s can be.......

Over and out.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Don't you see you have only yourself to be accountable to?

Whether a wounded child or a terrified adult, at the end of the day, there is only your own shoulder to cry on; your own arms which hold fast the aching flesh.

We all want someone to embrace us, someone to dry the tears and help the sorrow to fade.

That someone must be you

Saturday, September 5, 2009

What a difference a day makes....

I awoke Friday morning feeling strong and positive. I was to toddle off to my lawyer's office to sign the separation agreement, which would enable us (husband and I) to finally commence with the rest of our lives. But, because I am gutless and spineless; because I (frequently in my life) have allowed myself to be "persuaded" (coerced?) by men, whether they be boyfriends, husbands, or lawyers....not only does the agreement remain pending, I have mucked things up royally so that it is bound to drag on for quite some time and cost us endless oodles of money.

What the hell is wrong with me? I am an intelligent woman; I am able to walk through most of my life with logic and balance, hardly ever falling on my face. And yet....put me in a room with a man capable of, what?...Dominant coercion...and, all at once, I am changing my mind about things and signing papers that never should have been placed in front of me in the first place.

I am been overly fair to my husband in our "agreement". This is what I want, this is my decision. I walked into the lawyer's office with full intention of only half listening to what he had to say, just so I could hurry and sign the document that I had drafted and researched, until it was exactly what I wanted. And then.....I am in his office for 2 hours and suddenly I am consenting to change passages; signing something that I will gravely regret 2 hours later. Lawyers being lawyers, I damn well knew he would try to change my mind about my "fairness" to my husband.

I knew, and yet I caved, and I am fucking furious with myself.

Is this spinelessness a side effect of my submissive personality? And if it is, why the hell do I continue to desire to be in a D/s relationship, with someone who will, ongoingly, be Dominating (molding, manipulating and coercing) me? Why on earth would I feel a need to constantly subject myself to this aspect of my personality, which I have always loathed?

Am I missing something here?