Tuesday, September 22, 2009

My Bed

I am lonely
I am empty
devastatingly; inconsolably...
I need to be held
I need to be held by the man who has loved me and taken care of me for 21 years
The man who has seen me at my very worst, and at my very best
The man who accepted me, regardless of what I threw at him
That man
I need to be held by that man
that man is holding someone else
A new someone
And so, he can't hold me...
And it is all my doing.

It is my bed;
a cold bed...
and I can cry, and cry
but still...
there is no warmth
no rest
no peace
only sadness,
only me.


  1. Hmmmmmmmm ... . At the outset, you knew that there would be Bad days, and this seems to be one of them.

    However, *if* you seriously are having serious second thoughts (some second-guessing would only be natural, afterall), there is always the possibility that he may be having them as well. He might just welcome you back.

    And there is no time like the present to explore such a possibility.

    *H U G*


  2. charli, I'm so sorry for the agony that you are going through, i wish i had the ability to make it better for you, or at least have the wisdom of Solomon to counsel you what to do.

    unfortunately , i am unable to do either, all i can offer is my compassion, and a sympathetic ear, if you need it.

    remember there are always choice, and there is always a possibility of reconciliation if that is what is truly in your heart.

    what is important is that you fallow your heart and your own council.

    only you know what is best for you.

    my heart goes out to you.
    my tears also.

    you are in my thoughts.


  3. My Three Wishes

    If I could have three wishes from the lamp, what would I hope for? Let my first wish find me not someone I can live with, but someone I can't live without.

    Thus my second wish is not to find my next love. It is to find my last love.

    In return I would give my last wish away-her last first kiss.

  4. Oh my Charli, what a sad pickle. I am so very sorry you are suffering so. All I can offer is my heart, and hugs, and perhaps, the question you should ask yourself: Can you be content (CONTENT, not necessarily happy) being loved the way your husband loved you all those 21 years? If you think "yes", then do your best to return. If not, then find your strength, spend time learning "Charli", and await your finding of the One.
    All things pass.


  5. Have you ever seen a dog with a shock collar? So that the closer it gets to one of these invisible fences the more pain it feels--until it can't take anymore and has to turn back away from the property line and go back into the yard. The dog sure doesn't look trapped, but it most definitely is--of course--it's likely mighty comfortable inside that compound--why shouldn't it be...

    Of course, if the dog one day just got it in it's head that it needed that squirrel running down the other side of the street. And if the dog put it's head down and started running first toward the fence and then beyond...it would run along a pain trajectory like this (I imagine),

    - That stings.
    - oh man that actually hurts.
    - Whoa that's harsh, i don't think I should be doing this.
    - omg, my fucking head is going to explode I better turn back.
    - oh fuck I can't stop--that's it--brain fried-- no more tennis balls, fuck--forgive me Sirius.
    - weird, now that I'm out on the street that doesn't hurt as much.
    - hey check it out, when I go faster it even hurts less.
    -- wtf, i can't even see the house anymore, and the pain is down to a dull throb.
    --fence smenche, where's that fucking squirrel gone?
    --fuck me, I'm hungry. What's for dinner? I'll go anywhere you want--just not back in the direction of that house.

    So your at the fence now Charli. I've been there--and turned back to the yard--but everyone's circumstances are different. You've given this a lot of thought over the last few years--don't let the acute emotional pain make decisions for you--since, at this point, it will hurt equally as much going in either direction.

  6. R. Finbar, Alan, LLL and Charles.....

    You guys warm my heart and make me smile....I will now forever think of myself as a dog with a shock collar, and smile, (laugh, actually).

    Thank you for reading the dribs and drabs that ooze from my fractured mind.

    It is a new day and I am over my self pity. If I need to be held in the future, I will hold myself; after all, "I" have known myself much longer than 21 years...and I know myself (usually) fairly well.

    All the best to "you" people, who are all very DEAR people, to me.

  7. Sorry Charli, but this note is for Charles (I'm guessing the identity by the order of your thanks).

    Charles --- brilliant, insightful and hysterical!!! Applause, applause, applause.

    LLL aka Anon#2

  8. Charli, my dear blog friend:

    I'm so sorry I missed your post, and I haven't been here to offer my support and positive energy.

    as you know, I've been where you are. Oh, honey, it really, really does get better. I know it's hard to remember now why you wanted out, how miserable you were, and how lonely you were, while he was right there in your bed.

    if it helps, go back and read your posts about your confusion, and how you sought out others for happiness, and for attention, and for love.

    You feel completely defeated, deflated, incompetent, utterly clueless as to how you came to this place, why you made these choices. You say to yourself, "I had it so good! Why did I walk away? I'm a FOOL to leave someone who loved me!" I know this.

    but, if you can, please recall how he couldn't love who you were inside. He couldn't love you the way you NEED to be loved. and, you couldn't love him the way he needed to be loved. It's not just about love - it's about the unconditional acceptance, and lack of judgment about your wants and needs.

    virtual hugs, love, and lots of chocolate,

  9. Thank you cp...I sent you an email that explains how very grateful I am to have you as a (thus far) "virtual" friend. Your words are so comforting and I know they are coming from a place of "experiential knowledge" and that makes me feel so very close to you. Thank you.