Saturday, September 5, 2009

What a difference a day makes....

I awoke Friday morning feeling strong and positive. I was to toddle off to my lawyer's office to sign the separation agreement, which would enable us (husband and I) to finally commence with the rest of our lives. But, because I am gutless and spineless; because I (frequently in my life) have allowed myself to be "persuaded" (coerced?) by men, whether they be boyfriends, husbands, or lawyers....not only does the agreement remain pending, I have mucked things up royally so that it is bound to drag on for quite some time and cost us endless oodles of money.

What the hell is wrong with me? I am an intelligent woman; I am able to walk through most of my life with logic and balance, hardly ever falling on my face. And yet....put me in a room with a man capable of, what?...Dominant coercion...and, all at once, I am changing my mind about things and signing papers that never should have been placed in front of me in the first place.

I am been overly fair to my husband in our "agreement". This is what I want, this is my decision. I walked into the lawyer's office with full intention of only half listening to what he had to say, just so I could hurry and sign the document that I had drafted and researched, until it was exactly what I wanted. And then.....I am in his office for 2 hours and suddenly I am consenting to change passages; signing something that I will gravely regret 2 hours later. Lawyers being lawyers, I damn well knew he would try to change my mind about my "fairness" to my husband.

I knew, and yet I caved, and I am fucking furious with myself.

Is this spinelessness a side effect of my submissive personality? And if it is, why the hell do I continue to desire to be in a D/s relationship, with someone who will, ongoingly, be Dominating (molding, manipulating and coercing) me? Why on earth would I feel a need to constantly subject myself to this aspect of my personality, which I have always loathed?

Am I missing something here?


  1. Excellent advice above.. Not sure you can get what you want at this point but do try!

    It is HARD to leave and make such huge changes are you are doing.

    Don't be too harsh on yourself.. I'm impressed with what you've done so far!

  2. Charli,

    as a lawyer myself, I agree with David's advice. Tell him to change it, in no uncertain terms. Until it's filed with the court, it can be changed. It's my job to tell the client the potential consequences of his/her actions, and then let him/her decide. If it's a really really poor choice, I will strongly push the client to acknowledge their poor choice, and to explain WHY they are making such a poor choice. I do this not to increase my hours or to irritate the client, but to protect MY butt when down the road the client realizes they screwed themselves, and will inevitably try to blame me. Then I can remind them of our conversation, which I followed up with a letter to show that it was their choice and their decision.

    That's what a GOOD lawyer should do.


  3. Divorce lawyers have a horrible reputation, most often deservedly so. However, in this case, I believe you are being unfair both to him and to yourself.
    I suggest that your change of heart/mind came about because your lawyer pointed out the unreasonableness to YOU, or your "overly fair" self-drafted agreement. Perhaps he reminded you that it takes two to both make AND end a marriage, and the fact that you are the initiator of the ending does not require you to assuage your guilt by forfeiting the degree of financial security to which you are entitled.

    So rather than berate your submissive nature, congratulate your rationality.

    If all else fails....there is no requirement that you have legal counsel. Fire his ass and sign the papers you want to sign.

  4. At the time of the breakup of my own marriage, we were comfortably ensconced in a lovely three storey Victorian manse, each of us fairly successful in our careers. I manipulated the situation such that my partner would not take me back and I would not want to nor be able to return. I departed in the full knowledge that I was leaving nearly everything behind except my memories and my clothes. I was painfully aware that the depth of my own understanding of what I was about to do was far beyond anything my partner could comprehend which made my choice acceptable to me but incomprehensible to friends, family, and of course barristers and solicitors. I reasoned that it was an informed decision. My entitlement under Common law was at least half, yet to do so would deprive those things from the person I claimed to love. I chose to leave it all.

    T.S. Eliot’s play, “Murder in the Cathedral” about Thomas Becket deals with our actions and the moral temptations that fuel them. Thus it is not the act or decision that is at issue but rather the raison d’etre that compels us to act that we will judge as morally acceptable under the circumstances. Our choice becomes problematic and our sanity questioned when, in the push-pull of daily life with friends and family, our own decisiveness is challenged as being uninformed, when it is precisely the opposite. It is not a case of right or wrong-it is a case of what is right or wrong for the decision maker. It is not easy to have courage in our convictions.

    Becket says:

    Now is my way clear, now is the meaning plain:
    Temptation shall not come in this kind again.
    The last temptation is the greatest treason
    To do the right deed for the wrong reason.
    The natural vigor of our venial sin
    Is the way in which our lives begin.

    Whether you are unhappy with the imminent result based on new information from your lawyer, or you are content with the changes you made based on your new line of reason-in either case it is your decision to act or not act and to live with the consequences of either.

  5. Thank you, David; I do realize that I can partly blame the lawyer wanting to make more profit but I choose not to as "I" am the one who "allowed" myself to be manipulated. Whether or not he is trying to make more money, it is ultimately myself who is the decision maker.

    I need a cheerleader right now, Nancy....and so I send to you a great big HUG....thanks!

    Alright cp, as this was done last thing on Friday just before a long weekend I was not able to try and change anything. I want to put it back the way it was and so will contact the office on Tuesday. I am glad to hear that it CAN be changed as I was not sure, once I had signed it, what the recourse was.

    Thank you, Anonymous...if all else fails, I shall indeed, "fire his ass".....*smile*

    Yes, Pammie, I, too, should never make decisions in the heat of the moment, (like I did the other day)...BIG mistake, day I will learn. (hopefully) I do not know if they have been sent to my husband's lawyer yet; I am hoping not, but will find out on Tuesday.

    Yekoga...I am very grateful for your words. You have described it with such clarity and my situation is so very similar. This is very true:

    "Our choice becomes problematic and our sanity questioned when, in the push-pull of daily life with friends and family, our own decisiveness is challenged as being uninformed, when it is precisely the opposite."

    Everyone has been telling me that my decisions (in this matter) are crazy, for so long, that I am beginning to doubt my sanity. I sincerely appreciate you sharing your experiences with me as it does help me to see more clearly.

  6. Upon further thought over the last few days, I now realize how daft this blog post was. First of all, the lawyer was a decent man, he was not pushing me to claim the full amount that I was entitled to under the law, he could tell that I was not about to even contemplate going that route. He was simply trying to educate me on my rights and wanted to make sure that I wasn't shafting myself.

    And I didn't "cave"....I made a decision in the heat of the moment, which, I know from past experience, I should never do.

    I also do NOT believe that this has anything to do with my submissive personality; only an aspect of weakness in my character which has much to do with always wanting to make everyone happy and not disappoint people. It has much more to do with my insecurity, than my submission.

    Obtaining more "guts" and a stronger spine are something I intend to work on.

  7. Somehow, I think that the lawyer was right but that's mainly hindsight based on what your ex-husband did after you separated -and how quickly he did it !

    I know that that's not your way but your husband is who he is and I do have a very negative opinion of him. But hey, you did the right thing and I'm just a heartless man.

  8. I wasn't trying to fool you. And I'm glad that everything is working out fine.
    Oh, did you see my email ?