I awoke Friday morning feeling strong and positive. I was to toddle off to my lawyer's office to sign the separation agreement, which would enable us (husband and I) to finally commence with the rest of our lives. But, because I am gutless and spineless; because I (frequently in my life) have allowed myself to be "persuaded" (coerced?) by men, whether they be boyfriends, husbands, or lawyers....not only does the agreement remain pending, I have mucked things up royally so that it is bound to drag on for quite some time and cost us endless oodles of money.
What the hell is wrong with me? I am an intelligent woman; I am able to walk through most of my life with logic and balance, hardly ever falling on my face. And yet....put me in a room with a man capable of, what?...Dominant coercion...and, all at once, I am changing my mind about things and signing papers that never should have been placed in front of me in the first place.
I am been overly fair to my husband in our "agreement". This is what I want, this is my decision. I walked into the lawyer's office with full intention of only half listening to what he had to say, just so I could hurry and sign the document that I had drafted and researched, until it was exactly what I wanted. And then.....I am in his office for 2 hours and suddenly I am consenting to change passages; signing something that I will gravely regret 2 hours later. Lawyers being lawyers, I damn well knew he would try to change my mind about my "fairness" to my husband.
I knew, and yet I caved, and I am fucking furious with myself.
Is this spinelessness a side effect of my submissive personality? And if it is, why the hell do I continue to desire to be in a D/s relationship, with someone who will, ongoingly, be Dominating (molding, manipulating and coercing) me? Why on earth would I feel a need to constantly subject myself to this aspect of my personality, which I have always loathed?
Am I missing something here?