Thursday, October 29, 2009

Shades of Love

I am learning about love. After breaking free of 21 years of isolation and confinement I am beginning to comprehend the myriad flavors and shades of love. I have been living a sheltered existence, only realizing one degree, one flavor of feeling, of being.

My new life is already full of wonderful people and they allow me to learn new things about myself everyday. I am so grateful for these amazing friends, guides and teachers; especially my Rainman, who has been by my side during my very worst storms.

These are hard times; tough lessons. Nothing is easy when emotions are on the line. I now know there will be many people in my life and that I will feel for all these people in different shades of love. But what is important, really important, is that this is OKAY. It is okay to have many people that I love, in my life. It is okay to have different feelings for each and every one of these people.....AND it is okay to love more than one person at once. This last one is a biggie for me. I have never easily "shared" my feelings among people. I have never considered myself capable of loving more than one person at a time.

These are hard times; tough lessons. I am lessons, new ways of being.

It is not easy.
I feel sad quite often.
I feel alone quite often.
I feel ALIVE.

....and THAT, must be good.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

...on the joy of surrendering my breath

He leaned over toward where I was sitting on the sofa, shoved one hand down on my shoulder to pin me, and clamped his mouth over mine. I didn't know what he was doing but soon realized that I couldn't breathe, as he sucked the air out of my lungs. I started squirming; his pressure over my mouth increased until I thought I would pass out; then he stopped. I slumped where I sat, panting shallowly; trying to catch my breath and figure out what, exactly, he had just done to me. Two seconds later I felt his hands around my throat, squeezing......his grip was too tight! I started flailing wildly on the sofa as he kept an even pressure on my neck and suddenly everything started to go white and I could feel myself slipping away, which was when he stopped. Trembling and clutching at my throat, I looked up to see him smiling down on me. Tears were running down my face but I wasn't sure what I was feeling, other than completely overwhelmed and at his mercy; although confused and bewildered, it seemed I was quite enjoying being overwhelmed and overpowered thusly. Before I knew what was happening he had again clamped his mouth over mine in order to take whatever breath I had left to give him. By the time he stopped I was crying and shaking, totally unnerved; completely capitulated.

When he reached for my hand to pull me off the sofa I heard his voice somewhere in the air above me...."come on little girl, I have something else in mind for you"; as I allowed myself to be pulled along the hallway, weak from lack of oxygen and the sensation of being conquered, I could feel a huge idiotic smile tugging at the corners of my mouth.......

Is there anything more delicious than being

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The Internet is a Dangerous Place

the internet is a dangerous place
a seriously strange and ominous space,
where 2 people become "glued" in the blink of an eye,
and how does that happen?
I still don't understand how affections can seemingly blossom so quickly;
even though I've experienced, myself, this very thing,
of falling in lust, then,
chewing up, swallowing, and regurgitating my emotions,
to start again,
I still cannot comprehend exactly how....
When you travel alone a similar thing happens,
you form attachments with fellow travelers you meet along the way,
and you can become extremely close to these people in a very short space of time so...
I suppose it's a similar phenomenon,
you are basically traveling with your internet companion,
traversing strange and new territory together and so,
the bonds become quickly fixed and tangible.
it's as if we enter the realm of unreality,
and forget where we are,
as though we mix up the real world and the virtual one,
and forget which is which...

the internet is a dangerous place,
a seriously strange and ominous space,
a refuge of joy and pain;
a mask of dreams and illusions,
that we don when we don't like what we see in the mirror of our lives;
are people aware how deadly it can be?
does anyone really know how many are living on the edge of reality?
at times I am horrified by the thought,
because I know,
I have been there.....
and spoken with many who live in the virtual world,
and have yet to realize it,
people who are trapped by the magnetic pull of the stranger on the other end
a stranger they think they know,
so real, so very real...
yet not real at all.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

True Confessions of a non-slut

I am not interested in men who only want me for sex
I can't do just sex
I need more for the experience to hold any pleasure for me
He has to be a good friend, at least a good friend; preferably someone who has the potential to be a full-time partner.
Does this make me less slutty? Probably.
I definitely don't think I fit the bill of your average run-of-the-mill, free-wheeling slut.
I am not bisexual, or "heteroflexible", or whatever the hell it is called this hour, and, reading through Fetlife profiles, it seems I am one of the few straight women left on earth.
Does this make me less slutty? Probably.
I am not an exhibitionist and have no desire to play in public.
Does this make me less slutty? Most likely.

Boring huh?

I want to share my life with a Dominant partner, someone with whom I can freely and openly express my submissiveness. Someone I trust enough to give away my consent to; otherwise though, I suspect my life will be rather normal.

Do I have a raunchy, deviant, sick mind? Yup! But my mind is much more raunchy and deviant than "I" am. It's okay, I am growing comfortable with my new role of (what I am) and not worrying so much about (what I'm not).

What I am:

A kinky, filthy-minded, submissive non-slut.


Tuesday, October 20, 2009

In the Dark of the Night

Darkness, so much darkness
when slumber should win
yet hours tick painfully by
while thoughts spill to overflowing
between the spaces of what once was
and what is still to be;
the self-absorbed stream
of confused, relentless introspection
burrows its way deep and deeper
into my consciousness
until all I am
is yet to come
and all I was
is gone.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

My New Reality

So here I am,
I am single, as in, no longer married, no longer a Mrs.
I have to tell you that this feels mighty strange after being partnered for 21 years.
Everyday brings a new smidgen of this reality to my consciousness.
Some days are good,
most are not.
The best word for what I feel, is lost.
I no longer feel responsible for another person's happiness on a daily basis,
I no longer have to cook, or eat, at a certain time,
I no longer have to carefully meter every word that comes out of my mouth for fear of saying the wrong thing,
I no longer have to hide myself behind the veil of a good and obedient wife,
what "do" I have to do, what "do" I feel?
I am struggling to feel, period.
Sometimes I think that I feel something,
but then I find that I don't know how to interpret exactly what it is that I "am" feeling.
I know that I long for a deep connection; to relate with/to a kindred spirit,
this much I know;
pretty much everything else I am just winging...
I sit and I react to what goes on around me,
family and friends are trying to motivate me into action,
they have not just disentangled themselves from a 21 year relationship....
I need to sleep,
I have not had a proper night's sleep in over 8 weeks;
I am terminally tired,
so desperately tired...
I need to sit, and hear my thoughts,
I need to sit, until my new reality seeps into every crevice of my mind;

Only then will I be able to embrace my new life,
only then will I begin to live in it.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Beyond my Solitude

Beyond my solitude is another solitude, and to him who dwells therein my aloneness is a crowded market-place and my silence a confusion of sounds.

Too young am I and too restless to seek that above-solitude. The voices of yonder valley still hold my ears and its shadows bar my way and I cannot go.

Beyond these hills is a grove of enchantment and to him who dwells therein my peace is but a whirlwind and my enchantment an illusion.

Too young am I and too riotous to seek that sacred grove. The taste of blood is clinging in my mouth, and the bow and the arrows of my fathers yet linger in my hand and I cannot go.

Beyond this burdened self lives my freer self; and to him my dreams are a battle fought in twilight and my desires the rattling of bones.

Too young am I and too outraged to be my freer self.  And how shall I become my freer self unless I slay my burdened selves, or unless all men become free?

How shall the eagle in me soar against the sun until my fledglings leave the nest which I with my own beak have built for them?

Words and art, Kahlil Gibran

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Body and Soul


A man and a woman sat by a window that opened upon Spring. They sat close one unto the other. And the woman said, "I love you. You are handsome, and you are rich, and you are always well-attired."
And the man said, "I love you. You are a beautiful thought, a thing too apart to hold in the hand, and a song in my dreaming."
But the woman turned from him in anger, and she said, "Sir, please leave me now. I am not a thought, and I am not a thing that passes in your dreams. I am a woman. I would have you desire me, a wife, and the mother of unborn children."
And they parted.
And the man was saying in his heart, "Behold another dream is even now turned into mist."
And the woman was saying, "Well, what of a man who turns me into a mist and a dream?"

The Wanderer
Kahlil Gibran

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

My Best Intentions

Live with Integrity
I will not lose sight of my principles and values and will allow them to guide me

I will experience, fully, every little sensation that finds me

I will touch others with compassion, love, and a feeling of connection

I will give people my full attention so they will never doubt they are being heard

I will pause and contemplate before giving an answer or speaking my mind

I will eat food that strengthens and sustains my body toward a healthy state of being

I will strive to learn new things everyday and never stop challenging myself

I will accept people and situations without judgment or expectation

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Nasty Girl

I'm a nasty girl, with nasty thoughts
but I keep them in a vault
cause it's disturbing to me
when, on occasion, I'm prompted to let them out...

I'm a nasty girl, with nasty thoughts
and I can't say I"m proud of what's in my head
Since a young girl, I've carried this weight
and held my emotions with dread...

I'm a nasty girl, with nasty thoughts
in constant battle with the darkness within
and as hard as I hope, and as hard as I pray
I can't make the darkness go far away...

Photo, Max Sauco

Friday, October 9, 2009

Pearls of Wisdom

In conversation with a friend today, I was reminded (by him) that I am currently in a most enviable position; that I will (likely) never again reside within this golden environment of opportunity and freedom, without attachment and responsibility; able to live or work anywhere I choose, or to "do" anything I choose. He told me to embrace it and run with really live inside this wonderful space of privilege.

I had never thought of my new-found singledom in those terms before. His words empowered me and helped me to view my situation in a different light. I suppose that I have been busy fretting over my future, to the exclusion of actually recognizing my present situation with clarity.

The world is my oyster and I'm 100% free to seek the pearl.

How special is that?

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Time to Cleanse

I am spending some time on Vancouver Island to feel the wind in my hair and let it cleanse my spirit and soul.......I plan to meditate and walk labyrinths and try to center my fractured being.

I will be gone for 4 weeks and within those 4 weeks I will come to some sort of conclusion about what direction my new life should take.

Friday, October 2, 2009


Stop asking me if I want this
Stop asking me if I like that
If you want to give it, I'll take it
If you like it, I'll try it
if you ask me,
what I want,
what I like,
what I am thinking...
I'll say...
I don't know,
I'll say...
because the truth is that...
I don't really know if I like it,
or if I want to try it,
or even, what I am thinking about it...
because you see,
this is all new to me,
and so...
I need you to be assertive;
take it like you own it
make it like you own it;
if it complains,
tell it to shut the fuck up
and just do it.
(but make sure it knows the safe word first)