Saturday, October 17, 2009

My New Reality

So here I am,
I am single, as in, no longer married, no longer a Mrs.
I have to tell you that this feels mighty strange after being partnered for 21 years.
Everyday brings a new smidgen of this reality to my consciousness.
Some days are good,
most are not.
The best word for what I feel, is lost.
I no longer feel responsible for another person's happiness on a daily basis,
I no longer have to cook, or eat, at a certain time,
I no longer have to carefully meter every word that comes out of my mouth for fear of saying the wrong thing,
I no longer have to hide myself behind the veil of a good and obedient wife,
what "do" I have to do, what "do" I feel?
I am struggling to feel, period.
Sometimes I think that I feel something,
but then I find that I don't know how to interpret exactly what it is that I "am" feeling.
I know that I long for a deep connection; to relate with/to a kindred spirit,
this much I know;
pretty much everything else I am just winging...
I sit and I react to what goes on around me,
family and friends are trying to motivate me into action,
they have not just disentangled themselves from a 21 year relationship....
I need to sleep,
I have not had a proper night's sleep in over 8 weeks;
I am terminally tired,
so desperately tired...
I need to sit, and hear my thoughts,
I need to sit, until my new reality seeps into every crevice of my mind;

Only then will I be able to embrace my new life,
only then will I begin to live in it.


  1. Charli, it takes a long time. I have been through it and believe me it will be a while before you feel anywhere close to (normal).

    I know from your writings that you are intelligent and insightful, you are a searcher and a sentient spirit. You will be alright girl, this I promise you. Don't be hard on yourself just try to relax and go with the flow, don't (push) anything, don't (force) anything to happen.

    I am always watching over you as I have been from the beginning.

  2. Be gentle with yourself, Charli. Your whole identity and sense of self has been dramatically altered. I can only imagine that takes a long, long time to comprehend and adjust to.

    Sending hope and good thoughts your way...

  3. When you are ready to view your new reality it will reveal itself to you. You have all the courage and fortitude needed to be successful in your new life.

    I wish you well Charli.


  4. I have valued your presence and your input, Jonathan, throughout the years. Thank you.

    Hi Mimi, it's nice to see you. Thanks for your good thoughts.

    Charlene, I am hoping this is so. Thanks for your kindness.