Saturday, October 17, 2009

My New Reality


So here I am,
47,
single,
single,
single.....
I am single, as in, no longer married, no longer a Mrs.
wow
I have to tell you that this feels mighty strange after being partnered for 21 years.
Everyday brings a new smidgen of this reality to my consciousness.
Some days are good,
most are not.
The best word for what I feel, is lost.
lost,
lost,
I no longer feel responsible for another person's happiness on a daily basis,
I no longer have to cook, or eat, at a certain time,
I no longer have to carefully meter every word that comes out of my mouth for fear of saying the wrong thing,
I no longer have to hide myself behind the veil of a good and obedient wife,
but......
what "do" I have to do, what "do" I feel?
I am struggling to feel, period.
Sometimes I think that I feel something,
but then I find that I don't know how to interpret exactly what it is that I "am" feeling.
Connection,
I know that I long for a deep connection; to relate with/to a kindred spirit,
this much I know;
pretty much everything else I am just winging...
Reacting,
I sit and I react to what goes on around me,
family and friends are trying to motivate me into action,
but,
they have not just disentangled themselves from a 21 year relationship....
I need to sleep,
I have not had a proper night's sleep in over 8 weeks;
I am terminally tired,
so desperately tired...
I need to sit, and hear my thoughts,
I need to sit, until my new reality seeps into every crevice of my mind;

Only then will I be able to embrace my new life,
only then will I begin to live in it.

4 comments:

  1. Charli, it takes a long time. I have been through it and believe me it will be a while before you feel anywhere close to (normal).

    I know from your writings that you are intelligent and insightful, you are a searcher and a sentient spirit. You will be alright girl, this I promise you. Don't be hard on yourself just try to relax and go with the flow, don't (push) anything, don't (force) anything to happen.

    I am always watching over you as I have been from the beginning.

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  2. Be gentle with yourself, Charli. Your whole identity and sense of self has been dramatically altered. I can only imagine that takes a long, long time to comprehend and adjust to.

    Sending hope and good thoughts your way...

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  3. When you are ready to view your new reality it will reveal itself to you. You have all the courage and fortitude needed to be successful in your new life.

    I wish you well Charli.

    Charlene

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  4. I have valued your presence and your input, Jonathan, throughout the years. Thank you.

    Hi Mimi, it's nice to see you. Thanks for your good thoughts.

    Charlene, I am hoping this is so. Thanks for your kindness.

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