Monday, March 28, 2011

To Strive, To Seek, To Find

Much has been taken, drained from me
the last months have rendered me weak;
often I rise defeated
not wanting the day
not wanting the day

and then the words of Tennyson....

Tho’ much is taken, much abides; and tho’
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

......and so I rise to face the day

Come what may
Come what may

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Communication Equals Respect

When people come out of long term relationships they tend to know certain things; they tend to have a better idea of what they want or need in a relationship but, more importantly, they definitely know what they don't want in a future partner.

This can cause them to produce lists of "desires" on a dating site profile that may be interpreted, by the person reading them, in a negative way.  Personally, I do not mind this, as long as the list is not too long and unrealistic.  I would hope that a person coming out of many years of partnership would have gained some wisdom from the experience.  This is a good thing in my mind and I would rather meet someone who has some definite "partner/relationship aspirations", then some wishy-washy desperately lonely person who will settle for anyone.

For myself, the big need in any future partner is communication.  This is completely crucial to me. Gone are the days of suffering through endless hours with someone in a tension-filled silentfest, trying to guess what is wrong.  My ex-husband was good at stomping around the house, slamming doors and cupboards, and virtually ignoring me or treating me coldly, for hours/days, instead of sitting down and talking to me about what was bothering him.  In the beginning I would question him.....what is wrong, why are you angry?  He would know perfectly well what is wrong!  After a while I just gave up and let him stomp and rage around.  I am not a mind reader and I have no desire to be one.  There seemed no point in wasting my energy trying to figure out why he was upset.  So years passed by with many days wasted on unproductive negativity when all that was needed was COMMUNICATION.

I will admit that I am not perfect in this regard; sometimes I need time to process things but...I know that I do not treat my partner badly in the interim.  I may be quiet while the processing is occurring but it does not take me very long to figure it out and then relay my thoughts, so that we can discuss the matter.  This is simply the adult thing to do.

I was in a store the other day and witnessed a couple with a young baby.  The man was asking the woman questions about what she wanted and if she liked this or that.  The woman would not look at him and was answering his questions in monosyllables while looking at their child.  The tension between them filled a space of a 25 foot circumference surround.  I became physically sick to my stomach and had to quickly walk away.

Why oh why do people do this to themselves and their relationships?  I simply do not understand.  Is all this negativity and time wastage really necessary in a lifetime that is altogether too short?  Why can't people just sit down with one another and communicate what is on their minds so they can start the process of understanding and recovery?

It seems to me that if you love someone, it follows that you treat them with respect.  In my mind, behaving coldly or nastily to your loved one does not equal respect.  Respect equals sitting down calmly with your partner and communicating your thoughts.  This is the only way to propagate a loving, understanding, and supportive environment for a healthy union.