This weekend I sit here and ponder life. My ex husband has already found a new girlfriend (yes, she is 25) to spend his weekends with; my lover has found another woman to spend the weekend with....and here I sit, trying hard not to feel sorry for myself. If ever I harbored feelings of being "irreplaceable", they have taken the express train to Oblivion.
Perhaps not surprisingly, the notion of being someone's primary love interest has been on my mind lately. This is an avenue I did not properly explore while in my marriage. You see, my husband NEVER gave me any reason to be jealous. He always made me feel special and I never doubted how much he loved me...... I really never did; I now realize how lucky I was and I am so grateful to him for giving me that feeling of "continual love" throughout the years. Always I felt secure and safe and never threatened, and I now realize how nice (and special) those feelings were.
Although I was not faithful to my husband, I believe that I am a monogamous creature by nature. I continue to believe that it is possible to obtain the correct balance of freedom and growth "within" a relationship, to allow for many years of blissful co-existence. Finding the correct person to do this with, however, is the eternal dilemma.
The notion of being cherished as the most special person in someone's life is a good one; I am going to miss it....I do miss it. I am not good at sharing. I never wanted to share my toys when I was a child and I have no desire to be shared or to share the man I am in a relationship with. It is simply how I am built. In order to feel loved and secure I need to be the center of someone's world, as he will be the center of mine.
Okay, so I am not irreplaceable. Another lesson learned.