Sunday, June 14, 2009
He and I
It would outwardly appear that He has abandoned me at a time when I most need friendship and support, but that is not true. He has not abandoned me, and would like nothing more than to be with me on a full time basis. During this period when I am trying to figure out how best to cope with, and decide, what lies ahead for myself within/without my marriage of 21 years…He cannot help me. Perhaps because I only know how to “think” within an independent framework of only-myself and have never learned to be submissive with respect to allowing someone else to actually help me to the point of, what would seem to me now, as “interfering”, I have to do this alone. It is also true that when we are in regular day to day contact, I am not as motivated to change my life and this does not appear, at first glance, to make sense. I believe it is because, as long as I have communication with him, I feel somewhat content; when it is pulled away however, I have nothing, and am, therefore, more motivated to do something to rectify the situation.
And…this is not just about me. He has a life to live as well. During this period of conflict and distress in my life I have admittedly been…”more than a handful” to try and deal with, and the fact that He has to deal with me long distance, makes it much more difficult to do. It would be unfair to ask him to “wait” for me, as I do not know what I am going to do or when I am going to do it. I am more and more certain, however, as each day passes, that I must leave, break free. The hurt and anguish this will cause my husband, as well as myself, has prevented my moving in any direction, for many years.
This has got to change.
I cannot tell you how many times I have fantasized about having my own apartment. I even know how I will decorate it. See, I think that I need to be on my own for a while, find out “who” I am, exactly. I have been my husband’s wife for so many years that I have forgotten what “I” am like; and now I have a new submissive side of me to explore and discover as well. I also dream of being with Him; being free to actually enjoy being with Him….gosh that would/will be wonderful!
There are kind people who are concerned about me and were concerned that He and I had lost our connection. We have not lost our connection. Our connection will always be there, whether we act on it, or not.
It would be lovely to be able to act on it.
To be continued.........