Monday, May 25, 2009

Thoughts on ending a 20 year marriage...

How can you leave all that you know?
a life full of possessions and memories...
a man who loves you.
Leave your beautiful house, your wonderful neighbors?
Are you mad?
Why would anyone do such a thing...
do you not know how scary it is out there;
what a struggle it will be for you...?
You are no longer young, you are no longer beautiful.
The man in this house accepts that, and still loves,
why would you go,
what could you possibly gain?
What is lacking now...passion?...desire?
Do you know of other 20 year old LTRs that have managed to retain these things?
Okay so...he does not accept you for who you are in your entirety,
he does not know your entirety,
How much does this matter to you;
can you go on living secrets for the rest of your life?
and if he did learn you?
if you were to reveal in totality the person you truly are;
perhaps give him the address of this blog...
what would happen?
He would explode,
fireworks, the likes of which, you have never seen before...
how well do you know you know this for a fact?
Would he not embrace you later,
after he calmed down?


  1. Charli,

    this is where I was in my marriage. It was 17 for me, not 20, but just the same, there was no passion, only friendship. And, he did reject my submission, telling me it was too much work. Our children were 8 and 12 at the time, and it was hard. But, through therapy, I realized that I was ignoring my needs in order to keep from having to deal with his anger, his disappoinment, and the reality that the marriage had failed. I refused to recognize that he, too, was responsible for the failed marriage, taking on the entire failed mess on as mine. Through my recovery work and therapy, I began to realize that I deserved to be happy, and whether or not he was, was not my responsibility, but his. I came to realize that it was truly not either of our faults, but simply that we couldn not love each other the way we NEEDED to be loved. I needed to be loved as a submissive, and he could not love me that way. He needed to be loved as a Momma's boy, and I could not love him that way. That was the baseline of our problems. In therapy, I learned the easiest way to figure out the real issues, is go straight to the most basic fear. Once you figure out those basic fears: rejection, being alone, unloved, unwanted, whatever, then you can figure out WHY you feel that way, and when was the first time you felt that. Because THAT is truly how you begin to heal yourself. Work on that most basic fear, and you can begin to "grow yourself back up." An excellent book, by the way, and was very helpful to me and several of my friends and coworkers.

    It is a scary path, but a new, exciting one if only you can see the opportunities. After I chose to leave, I felt as though a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I could now do what *I* wanted, when I wanted, without anyone to reprimand me, unless I wanted them to reprimand me. *winks*

    I hope you are able to find the strength to do what is right for you, whatever that may be. And, there is no "right" time frame to do this. Only you and Goddess know when and how this must work out for you.

    much positive energy and hugs sent your way,
    Daddy's cutesy pah

  2. just dropped by to say hello...and I see that the battle still rages within. Wish I had a pithy and brilliant response to make it all seem obvious and clear--but you will recall I am no wiser than you when it comes to this question.

    in lieu of advice, I suppose I'll simply offer my sympathy. Perhaps some ocean air might free the mind and offer some perspective...

  3. Dear Girl - for how long have you been unhappy? The fact that you are actively investigating leaving should tell you something, should it not? No - leaving life as you know it will never be easy. Are you ready for that? You know where I am if you need me.

  4. Dearest Charli,
    i have no words, no wise advice but i wish you lots of strength and wisom. Fear for the scary steps you think about to take mustn't stand in the way of your happiness. And that's what i hope for you: happiness and strength to go for it. You can mail me if you want a listening ear or something.

    Lots of hugs, moonheart

  5. Dear Charli,
    Sadly I've been there as well.. trying to end a long marriage. The reasons were very much the same that you put here.
    I have no magic spell or words of wisdom to help you out.
    Do what your heart tells you to do.. don't stop listening to the quiet voice in your core.
    It is not easy; there is no easy path.
    My heart goes out to you.

  6. Thank you always yours words are wise, motivating and helpful. The issues in our relationship started long before I even knew what "submission" was and when I talk about "acceptance", it is in a general sense....such as him not "accepting" the fact that I eat meat when he is a vegetarian, bla bla bla. It is an acceptance of "me" as a complete "meat-eating", "Medium-watching", "whip-craving", sexually-submissive person.

    And you are absolutely right....I need to take ownership of, and embrace my fears, so I can learn how to deal with them.

    It is all very easy to

    Hi Charles....nice to see you. I realize you have nothing brilliant to say, but I like you

    Hi Jonathan....there have been several years of discontentment on both our parts and yes, ofcourse the fact that I am even talking about exiting is a clue, I suppose, to what should happen. Am I ready for that? Some days I think yes and some days I think NO.

    Thank you are always so sweet to me.

    Hi Nancy, I don't think we've met? I agree that it is important to try and listen to your inner voice but it is not always easy to hear it! How did your story end/begin, Nancy?