Wednesday, February 22, 2012

The Dominant Litmus Test

So you're sitting in a restaurant with a man you met through a vanilla dating site.  This is your second or third "date" and you are really liking this man.  You know that you have to find out if he is Dominant friendly, but you have no idea how to introduce the subject without causing him to run from the restaurant thinking you are some sort of psychologically damaged freak.

This is my conundrum and, if it is mine, it must also belong to others.

 Is there a test?  Can we develop one?

Do you like to lead, or follow, in the bedroom?

Do you find it erotic to read to a woman?   Give her a bath?   If I called you "Daddy" would you be repulsed beyond reason?

How do you feel about incorporating spanking into a relationship?

And bondage?  What does that do for you?


Come on!  This is difficult!  I am not big on being labeled as a sexually deviant weirdo but, not wanting to spend time on sites like Collarme, leaves me little choice. It's gonna happen.

One thing I know for sure.  You cannot make a man with no dominant tendencies, Dominant.   That issue was played out with my husband.......if it ain't there, it ain't gonna be there, no matter how much you, or he (for you) want/s it.


  1. Knowing how important dominance is for you in your relationship with a man, I think the only answer is a straight forward approach. Simply put, ask, "What does dominant mean to you?" If he runs for the door, he isn't the man you are looking for anyway. Be simple and slightly bold, if he is the kind of man you are looking for he will appreciate it.

    You probably have a clue to his nature already after a second or third date. How chivalrous is he? Opens doors? Suggests things to eat? Things to do? Does he seem to have the tendency to led?

    The spanking, and bathing, and bondage, etc. are personal peculiarities within the dominant realm.

    If the simple question above doesn't give you the answer you need you are likely facing making a silk purse our of a sow's ear. If the question doesn't run him out the door, you have a starting point for a more open discussion.

  2. Well...first of all, he probably won't even know what I mean by "dominant"; I will have to explain.

    And no, for some reason I have no clues, no radar, for this kind of thing. I do not know why not, but I certainly don't seem to.

    "personal peculiarities" David? Are you calling me peculiar? Are you one of "those" men??

  3. If he doesn't even know what dominant means, surely that is your answer, isn't it?

    How about if you ask him if he wants an egalitarian relationship, or would he prefer equal but different?

    I would never call you peculiar, but within context, I was referring to certain tastes, and I am sure there is a consensus that some of your tastes are peculiar, delightfully so.

  4. Hello ,
    Somewhere along the blogger highway I stumbled upon your journal and after reading a few entries I thought I would share one or two of my thoughts.

    I have to say that when it came to dating I was extremely direct. Even at the young age of 19 whenever a gentleman approached me I would ask him, "Are you dominant" Followed by, "are you kinky"? Of course these two questions brought numerous other ones to our discussion; however, I found once I asked point blank about desires the communication either flowed or came to a stand still and if it stopped at least I knew right away that we were most likely compatible.

    Of course asking someone if he or she is dominant does not necessarily mean they are or better said that "their" type of dominance compliments "your" submission but at least it is a start.

    We are from two different generations, not by much mind you as I am nearly 40 so how we have been taught to approach or raised to engage may absolutely vary. Still I find our time here so precious I am just not willing to wait.

    Having a test could be fun but why not just come out and ask?

    All the best,

  5. Hello ~a.....Thanks for your input.

    I am certainly not opposed to asking however knowing how to phrase the question is rather difficult. I find that if I just ask "are you dominant"? Often men do not know what I'm talking about. I suppose that should be my answer right there but....what if they have many endearing, good qualities?

    I am becoming more like you now, however. I realize that life is short and that I will simply be wasting my time in a "pretend" D/s relationship. I know what I need to be happy and I just have to keep my eye on "that", and go for it.