Surfacing

Sometimes in life
You get a second chance.
By some miraculous sweep of sympathetic synchronicity,
Situations align
Shining a light into your world
Brilliant, ethereal, blinding in its raw intensity...
And you know...
Beyond a shadow of a doubt, that who you see standing before you,
Is who you've known all along...in your mind;
You have searched,
Knowing that, within that deep space of longing and desire,
There lay an answer...your answer;
That inside this dream
Was hidden a reality
Waiting to surface, to show itself...
...for you, to you.
We all yearn for a beacon,
A loving, guiding, protective light
to manifest...outside ourselves;
Inside our world.
You are mine.

On finding your place...

For those who don't know my history, here is a brief synopsis.  My life was good.  For all intents and purposes it was a good and solid life.  I had a happy childhood and went on to marry a good man, a man I stayed with for 21 years.  I left that marriage a few years ago with the realization that, life is short, and that I, a submissive child/woman, could not realize her true self, with the man she was currently with...there were emotions and reciprocal passions I had yet to experience.  I did not know what I would find but....I felt empty and hollow and knew that I had to search.  I am so thankful that I listened to my inner yearnings...so very thankful.

Life is curious and wondrous.
One never knows in which direction it will go and...
when you contemplate the future and what your world might be like,
it is often not at all what comes to pass.

The contented and peaceful space I now find myself in, I could not have even imagined.  It is amusing now, at the age of 51, to realize that I have never been here before, and that it has taken this long to "find" that place.   In retrospect, however, I have always felt there was something missing, some elusive panacea that I only half-believed, truly existed. The days passed as days will do and life was just life.....going along and going along...then, I found B. and, in finding Him, I found IT...the something more my life was waiting for.

Within a whole-life context, the harmony I share with my new partner is stellar and perfect.  Within a D/s context, my struggles trying to find just "where" I belong in my submissive place, have finally been answered.  The ideal balance between real-world, and D/s world, exists for us.  The D/s is not overt yet lies, as an undercurrent, in our day to day world.  For me, it works well, as I am not "extreme" in my submissive leanings, and prefer a more subtle approach.

I write this for two reasons.  One, because I want to share my happiness, and two, because there are so many people living my previous situation...searching and struggling...trying to figure out just where they belong, looking for an answer to their feelings of emptiness and wanting.  What I want to say is this...there "is" an ideal situation out there for all of us.  It is too easy to settle for something that isn't quite right.  Our time on this planet is very very short and it is a tragedy to waste it.  I am not saying that it is easy.  I gambled a world of comfort and security, for the unknown.  It might not be the right choice for everyone, but I am very glad that I made it.

Find out who "you" are and be true to that discovery.
In the end, you are all that you have.
Don't let yourself down.

On Labeling

B and I were talking about the meaning of labels and how they can effectuate preconceived notions about what lies "under" the label.   We have both had the experience of meeting people who think they know what we, or our relationship, is all about....simply because we fall under the vague categories of Dominant and submissive.  He wrote these words in reaction to our conversation.

I am uncomfortable with labels that attempt to describe me and the relationships I am in.

Although I have somewhat left-of-center views of the world, and believe in living in an eco-respectful way, I don't believe there is an almighty being who watches over and guides us.  If you label or pigeon hole me as an atheist, tree-hugging liberal, you will have preconceived notions of who I am and what I am all about; this is impossible.  If you'd like to know about me, you'll have to get to know me.

It is true that the intimate relationship that I have with Charli does have a dynamic that involves deferral/submission/acquiescence, and that our sexual relationship and play does include restraint/spanking/pain, etc.; however it cannot be summed up by calling it a D/s relationship.  It is "our" relationship.  It evolves, adjusts, accommodates and has its very own life and uniqueness.  If you call me a DOM you will doubtless have a notion of who I am and how I function; that notion is likely to be more inaccurate than the reality.

The only label I am truly comfortable with is the one my parents chose to give me....my name, and that label says nothing about the person I am and what you can expect from me.

I like it that way.

B.

The Magic

Today I felt capitulation that I have not before experienced
A nudge, a beautiful nudge...toward freedom
The freedom to be, who I need to be
I gave more of myself to You
Without trying, or realizing it was happening
And...
You felt it too
You felt it and reacted...
Your Magic was palpable
The Magic that makes me crazy with love and desire.

We are synergistic...
We are exquisite...
Together.

A Sense of Entitlement

While discussing the concept of Dominance in a D/s relationship with B, it struck me that the whole feel of Dominance can be encapsulated and summed up in a few words.....A sense of entitlement. The Dominant partner "has" (or needs to have) this sense of entitlement within the relationship to enable the exchange of power.  If this is not present, this "knowing" that the entitlement is His, the depth and breadth of the dynamic will not be authentic.

I have spoken with many people who seem to "play" at the dynamic.  They play the part that is prescribed by what they read a D/s union should look like.  They follow the rules and protocols that others have named as making this kind of partnership a bona fide D/s one.  They go to play parties and gather the toys that are necessary to play these parts.

My submission is a feeling; it comes from my heart; it is not derived from labels or rules.  I don't want B to be a textbook Dominant.  I want Him to treat me and be with me, exactly the way His heart and mind direct Him to be.

These labels of "Dominant" and "Submissive" bother me.  These yearnings inside our souls are primal and only found by searching and acknowledging our inner-most needs.  Many are not able to do this.  People lock their feelings deep inside and never find the courage to admit to themselves who "themselves" truly are. This is sad.

I don't feel submissive because B spanks me but when He spanks me I feel His sense of entitlement over me and, knowing that I have entrusted Him with my life, makes me feel genuinely, blissfully, powerlessly, submissive.

You Suffer Beautifully

You suffer beautifully.
Those are the words He said to me...
My nipple trapped between His fingers
moans audible.....cunt leaking

I wanted to suffer for Him....
Give everything to Him
Oh how I love that delicious feeling
Of receiving pain
While He watches me squirm
Under His hand
Under His influence
Under His spell.

Sight

It is easy to lose sight of the important things in life.

It is easy to forget that our lives all hang on tenuous threads of borrowed time.

Sometimes situations are woven in such a way as to remind us of this fact.......and this is a good thing.

Our days are crowded with small stuff; stuff of little importance in the grand scheme of things.  And yet, often we let this excruciating minutia dominate us and our thoughts.  We lose our vision of what is real, what is good.

Often it takes someone special to alert us to the fact that we've gone too far; that we're walking the tightrope of inconsequential detail, and need to be brought back down to earth.

For those fortunate enough to have such a partner, it is comforting to know there is a boundary in place and that the situation will be dealt with, when we lose our way.

Cause we all do......from time to time.

Waves of Truth

Sometimes, within my ocean, you swim so violently, it takes my breath away...
Thrashing my preconceived notions until they take on a different form...
Challenging my old thought patterns with the turbulence of wisdom and experience...
Expanding my visual field until objectivity obscures my subjective mind...

You are clarity and light and I have come to depend on you as a beacon of sanity and love,
inside the chaotic world,
in which we live.

Lavender on my Pillow

It has been too long since last I wrote here but...
I've been busy falling in Love
Truly, Madly, Deeply
In Love;
I thought I knew the meaning of the word before but...
I was wrong;
While not fully aware of the happening
I have become His
And now belong to a man who is...
Charming and adorable,
Unpretentious and kind,
Considerate and caring,
Funny and sincere,
Dominant in an unassuming, confident way

He is perfect for me;
has invaded me completely
Every pore of my being is ensorcelled by Him

I have been waiting for this man my entire life
He is my home.

Virtually Toxic

I have never encountered anything like this before.

We met and developed a friendship.  We got along really really well when we were together and enjoyed many of the same things.

We made each other laugh and spent much time together.

But......

It seemed that we could not communicate virtually, without toxic results.

Almost every email message we exchanged would be misinterpreted by the receiver.

And I don't just mean misinterpreted, but the meaning would somehow completely turn itself around, so that the message was translated by the end party into something with angry or negative intent.

It was as though we had never met for god sake!

How is it possible to spend many hours with someone......to really like someone, and then totally misconstrue and misunderstand emails from that same person?

It seems incredible to me......and yet......that is exactly what we kept doing.

It became very uncomfortable. 

It became so uncomfortable that I wanted it to end........yet I don't really want it to end, because I am fond of this man.

You have to wonder though.......if you are virtually that toxic to one another, what horrors may lay in wait for you, as a couple in the real world?!

It's all very sad.

Needs Be

I need to breathe.....slowly
On the inhale, not worrying about having to exhale

I need to live.....fully
In the moment, not reliving yesterday or fretting about tomorrow

I need to love.....spiritually and emotionally
To feel completely......on a higher plane

I need to be loved........accepted
Speaking and acting, without fear of judgement

I need to communicate.......openly
Words flowing freely, unfiltered and raw

I need to laugh......from a primal place
Often and deeply, until it hurts

I need to see......clearly
Striving for objectivity,  even while standing in the fog

I need to be me.....completely
In whatever form that may appear, at any given moment in time

The Big Tease

Teasing, in one form or another (verbally or sexually), is the hallmark of D/s.

The teaser is in a position of power as the receiver is made to blush, be uncomfortable, or be kept on edge.

Sexual encounters/play can last for hours in this type of relationship and it is important to remember that the underlying emotion/concept for both partners is one of control or ownership.  The lower partner is willingly allowing herself to be led, in order to please the Upper one.

The fun can start over dinner with the Upper partner ordering dinner for the 2 of them, without asking what the lower partner wants.  He can ask her to spread her legs, or push them apart with his legs....or instruct her to sip her wine only when he tells her to.  He can talk about what he is going to do to her when they get home......the erotic excitement begins.

On the way home, instead of holding her hand, he encircles her wrist and clenches tightly, instilling in her a feeling of being owned/controlled.

By the time they get home she is already wet with anticipation as he tells her to take off her clothes for him, while he sits on the sofa watching.  She awkwardly and shyly removes her clothing, spinning around slowly as he directs her to.

She is told to go into the bedroom and lie on her back on the bed.   He stands over the bed while she stares up at him from her supine position.   Spread your legs for me little girl....it's time for a cunt inspection.   A million emotions flood her body as she fights the urge to get up and run away.   She moans and writhes, not wanting to do it, yet desperately wanting to do it.   Her face turns dark red as she slowly, hesitantly, does as he has asked.

The man stands there, fully clothed, staring down at her naked, open body.  She hides her face with her arms, embarrassment overcoming her.  Take your arms away from your face and look at me.   She does as he requests, feeling the heat spread from her face all the way down her exposed body.

He takes pleasure in her awkwardness; her willingness to put herself in this uncomfortable situation in order to please him.

She is in that familiar submissive, aphrodisiacal space of being torn...on the edge between not wanting it, and wanting more more more.  That exquisite space between pleasure and pain.

Spread yourself open for me so I can get a better look please.   She is gone now, nothing left to hide, she is His.....she knows she will do anything He asks of her.   Her body is on fire, her mind wonderfully fucked. 

For the next couple of hours He uses her.  Keeping her on the edge.  Inflicting pain until she cries and then soothing it away with deep kisses... there's a good girl, ssshhhhh, you're doing very well.    Bringing her to the brink of orgasm and then not letting her cross over to the other side.....again and again.

Torture and pleasure.

Finally allowing her to release, then forcing her to release again and again......after a while, the magic wand becomes an instrument of anguish, her clit not wanting any more painful stimulation.

Finally, He disrobes....shoving His cock into her tear-stained face.  Fucking it methodically, intently.....making her gag.   Get on your hands and knees.  She turns, ass up, as He plunges deep into her open, wet cunt.  Fucking her as hard as he can.....primal, animalistic sex.

She is a seething, tearful, pile of mush.  A woman well used, well spent. She cannot think clearly, she is in a different place, a familiar space.  A place she is completed addicted to visiting, with a Man she is completed addicted to, leading her there.

But wait......I forgot the most exquisite part. "Aftercare."  He holds her, comforts her, soothes her trembling body with gentle words.  She has been a good girl, His good girl.

Kissing

Kissing, for me, is a very intimate endeavor, not to be taken lightly.  It is much more intimate than sex.  Sex can be had between 2 people that do not even look at each other.  Kissing has to be done face to face, close up and personal.  I cannot kiss someone that I do not share a deep connection with.  It makes me sick to my stomach when it happens; which brings me to my next observation.....

I have been on "dates" (hate that word) with 2 men that have, not only attempted to kiss me goodnight, but shove their tongue into my mouth while they were at it!   This is a complete deal breaker for me.  Any possibility of a relationship is immediately severed for good.  Total yuck!

This is the "other" side of trying to explain to vanilla men what a D/s relationship looks like.   They either run for the door (as in my words below), admonishing me as a nutcase, or think that the raunchy subject matter has flipped on a green light for physical contact with me.

Good grief!

The Dominant Litmus Test

So you're sitting in a restaurant with a man you met through a vanilla dating site.  This is your second or third "date" and you are really liking this man.  You know that you have to find out if he is Dominant friendly, but you have no idea how to introduce the subject without causing him to run from the restaurant thinking you are some sort of psychologically damaged freak.

This is my conundrum and, if it is mine, it must also belong to others.



 Is there a test?  Can we develop one?

Do you like to lead, or follow, in the bedroom?
 
Do you find it erotic to read to a woman?   Give her a bath?   If I called you "Daddy" would you be repulsed beyond reason?
 
How do you feel about incorporating spanking into a relationship?
 
And bondage?  What does that do for you?

*sigh*

Come on!  This is difficult!  I am not big on being labeled as a sexually deviant weirdo but, not wanting to spend time on sites like Collarme, leaves me little choice. It's gonna happen.

One thing I know for sure.  You cannot make a man with no dominant tendencies, Dominant.   That issue was played out with my husband.......if it ain't there, it ain't gonna be there, no matter how much you, or he (for you) want/s it.

Lighter or Darker

I had an encounter the other day, with a new/old friend.  We spent 9 hours together talking about our lives, our lost loves, our desires.  Although he is vanilla-inclined, I talked in depth about D/s relationships and my feelings and needs.  It was a very liberating experience, to be able to talk to someone about these issues.  He remained open minded and did not judge me. 

The conversation I had with him prompted me to reinstate my blog.  When I left him, I felt cleansed and strengthened and realized that I do not want to hide who I am; more importantly, I need to find someone that can help me "be", who I am.

 Each encounter holds the capacity to render us lighter.

Or to color the experience of our world darker.

Each encounter holds the capacity to engage
our sense of wonder.

Or to help us hide from noticing the
experience of being human.

Each encounter holds the capacity to
tell its story without expectation.

Or to force on the world an opinion
of how it must be.

Each encounter holds the capacity for
us to recognize our sameness.

Or to escape into the experience
of separateness.

And with each encounter comes a decision.

To make our world lighter.

Or darker.


Nick Askew - Soul Biographies

This is Me

Okay.

I apologize for messing around with this blog.

I thought that my feelings had changed; that I had moved on to less-deeply-submissive territory.

But....being on vanilla dating sites and then having a discussion with friends on the matter, I realize that I could never be happy in a vanilla relationship.  I just can't do it.

This is me.  I am here to stay.  No matter how hard I fight it.  No matter how hard I try to tell myself that I am vanilla with just a little bit of "kink"........it simply does not fly right.

So I am back, and I am submissive.

There is a huge hunger, a huge need, deep inside of me.  It is not a need for sex; rather a need to be overpowered, both physically and mentally.  I desperately miss that feeling, of being overwhelmed and taken out of my skin, by someone that I love.