Monday, January 26, 2009

On my reluctance to give up control.....

I don't want to be allowed to get my own way.

I don't want to be allowed to manipulate situations to my own benefit.

And yet....when it "does" happen, when He fights back, when He sees through my carefully disguised veil of deceit, I rebel...I kick, I scream, I become embarrassingly childlike and downright unlikeable. It infuriates me that someone has the nerve, the power, the strength, to fight me and NOT give in to my efforts to control the situation.

I fight against the very thing that I so badly need and want because it is very hard for me to let go....when will it not be, I wonder? How long will it take; how many rebellions must we go through until I am ready to surrender?

In the meantime, I am filled with anger; most everything He does (or does not do) makes me seethe with fury; I am aware of what is happening, least today I am...tomorrow I might not be. I am cognizant of the fact that I am fighting against myself; that He is in the unfortunate position of being the "key" to my door, as well as my "freedom", on the other side.

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