Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Pride and Prejudice
Somewhere inside me I still think that it's wrong to want to live that way...under someone's direction and control. I am embarrassed by it and hesitate to use the words ownership, Master, or slave, when talking about myself to others; even others that would probably understand and accept the terms.
I struggle with the thought that it makes me weaker; in some way, less intelligent. It is conditioning. I have been programmed, since young, to be tough and independent. My father always stressed this to me, that I had to be my own woman, do things my own way...take care of myself. To depend on a man for anything was wrong, wrong, wrong; ofcourse to serve a man was even more taboo and horrible.
Those were the founding principles on which I was raised; I suppose it is no surprise that I struggle so deeply with my inner passions and needs.
None of the men I have previously had relationships with have had any interest in relating to my submissive side, and so I have never been forced to address these conflicts......my core submissive/slave yearnings.
It was just over a year ago, whist browsing the internet, that I came across some mention of the workings of a D/s union that these feelings started emerging from the tightly-locked box inside myself .....and so began my furious yet furtive research on all matters BDSM related!
Now outed, and not likely to fit back into its neat little secret box, my blossoming authentic self debates and argues with herself everyday about which hurdles she needs to jump, paradigm adjustments she needs to make, new tools she needs to attain, in order to live a contented and fulfilled life.