Wednesday, January 28, 2009
is a very complicated thing. There are so many levels and possibilities....different submissive strokes for different folks. One stroke will send me to orgasm while another will send me running; and to complicate matters further, a stroke that would have sent me running 4 months ago, I am now begging for. And so, my concept of the meaning of submission has evolved over the last few months of my sexual journey.
I used to believe that the weight of the matter was physical; that it was a physical act of giving yourself to another. Now I realize that it is not; that it is, in fact, a psychological state of being. That, while I can have a very satisfying D/s encounter of a purely physical nature, it is not fulfilling to me; it does not allow me to get down to zero, to the point of pure "letting go". This realization came to me the other day when a friend sent me an email of a very disturbing nature. He had written a "stream of consciousness" that probed and tugged at me painfully and began to smash down the protective wall around my person. He was questioning my unwillingness to let him in, to be open and honest, to truly say what I felt without filtering my emotions. It had the effect of completely breaking me down and making me sob like a child. Later in the day I chatted with him and he continued his assault on my psyche. At the end of the day I was so exhausted and so fragile that I was ready, truly ready, to "give" myself totally to him. It was at that moment that I realized the meaning of submission, the way that I want and need it to be.
Certainly many males, and to a lesser extent females, have, traditionally, been quite content with purely physical sexual encounters and I, too, have had my moments of base sluttishness when all I crave is to be fucked hard. I now know, however, how my thirst will be quenched. It is in a dark place with an intelligent individual who knows me so thoroughly that a well chosen sentence from his lips will reduce me to the state of his desiring.
So what does this mean exactly? Why do I want to be torn apart, broken down, mentally and physically. The answer is quite simple, because I have never allowed anyone to do it before. Most of us have constructed walls of differing densities and materials to protect us while traveling through this life. My wall is quite sturdy, perhaps made of titanium or some other seemingly impenetrable metal. I have not been successful in dismantling this wall on my own so I have decided to employ a dominant male to do the task for me. I long to be reduced to myself, sans wall...to submit totally, give everything I have.....to be taken, forcefully if necessary, to the place of "me".