Sunday, August 2, 2009
There is no script; yet I desperately need a script.
When the man that I have shared nearly half my life with repeatedly breaks down sobbing in front of me asking....."why are you doing this to me?".....why are you doing this to us?", I have no words that can adequately answer him. Because I am not happy? Because my life feels empty and I need to search for something to fill it up? Because you have needed me to focus on YOU for so long that I have forgotten who "I" am? There is nothing I can say that will make him feel better; in fact, anything I say will likely make things worse (I have tried); so I say nothing. Again and again I deflect his pleas for some revelation that will make sense of all this. It is killing me...it is killing me; I am killing him, and it is killing me. And I defy anyone who tries to tell me that I am NOT killing him....I defy them to come here whilst a meltdown is occurring, and say that to me.
I don't know where it all went wrong.
Once, I was a good person;
Now, I am a fractured beast,
plotter of escapes,
evil bitch who is trying to take his money;
this is not me, not who I want to be......
....and I am alone, no one can help me....not really, I can only play this scene by myself.
Never have I felt so helpless, so sad, so frightened.
...so bloody solitary.