Good Tidings I bring....

I am here!  So sorry to have left you for so long but, you know, life and all........

It is the Christmas break.  I have no school for 3 weeks.  I finished my final exams and have done extremely well in all my courses. 

I would like nothing more than to rest for the next few days but I have social commitments that I need to uphold.  I have arranged it so that my downtime will come after Christmas and I plan to not do much of anything, except travel to where the Rainman lives and allow him to Daddy me.   *sigh*   I am very much looking forward to that.  He knows how to love me, he knows how to be strict with me, but, best of all.....he knows how to combine the two.  He is turning out to be a very good "Taken in hand" type of man, which pleases me greatly; as I have been so preoccupied with my studies, I am looking forward to living and breathing sex for a while.....I am pretty sure I can do that!

On another note, living alone is wonderful!  I get a secret little thrill from closing my very own apartment door behind me, when I get home at night...shutting the stressful world out of my life and escaping to my little oasis of calm.  It makes me smile and it makes me happy.  How nice is that?

I wish you Happy Holidays and hope the year ahead is, well.....whatever you want it to be!

Charli

Hearing Silence

As the interphased day and night
Leaves the sky aglow with residual light,
My hungry eyes take in the feast
That tells me most, by saying least.

A silent scene can stir the heart
With more power than mere words impart,
And leave you breathless, standing still-
Held captive by your own free will.

Trisha Taylor

 

On the Power of Hugs

My desire to be embraced is sometimes so powerful that I start to grow panicky.  I now really know how those poor elderly people that I visit in the nursing homes feel.  The need for human contact, human touch, is an intense and biting hunger.  When an older person that has been without physical contact is embraced, he clings to you in a desperate, childlike way. I feel what that is like, I know what that is like.  A few long months ago I craved the sexually forceful touch of a Dominant male; now I simply want to be encompassed/consumed within a safe harbor of masculine strength.  I am, obviously, in a different place at the moment.

It is a hunger, like any other, but, honest to goodness, I often feel as though I am starving to death.

A Rant about Honesty and Open Communication

For 21 years I lived in a bubble and did not have to interact, to any great extent, with the outside world.....this includes working, as I worked from home.  I am now realizing how very difficult it is to navigate through this sea and deal with the human emotions and politics of my fellow humans.

The issue that I have is this.....why can't people just bloody well SAY what is on their mind, instead of just thinking it, and allowing issues (and relationships) to degrade and rot?   I need honesty.  I need open communication.  I am NOT a mind reader.

My Dominant male friend and support of the last many months (The Rainman) is no longer in my life because he is an assumer.  He assumes that I know what the hell is going on inside him without actually "telling" me what is...or talking to me about it. He assumes that I am aware of stuff, simply because he is and, though I've told him I cannot reach inside his mind and suck information out, he doesn't quite understand.  The ironic thing is that he always wanted me to be open and communicative with him.

I simply can't deal with this.

My one and only girlfriend (in my new city) and I, joined a hiking club and met a very personable man. He wanted to go out for a drink with me but, because I did not want to do anything to jeopardize my friendship, I asked my girlfriend if she was interested in this man....if she had said yes, I would not have gone for a drink with him.  Well....she said NO but apparently did not really mean NO and now our relationship has deteriorated.

How can I operate in this world if people are not going to be straight with me? 

Now school has started and the overwhelmsion factor is high and, frankly....overwhelming.  Because many of my classmates have previous knowledge of some of the subjects we are covering, I am finding myself having to work like a blue-assed fly to keep up.  I don't mind working hard, however, and I will rise above this challenge; it would just be easier to concentrate if I was still in my bubble.

Our Dance

We dance so slowly
eyes entwined;
lost in lust...
You spank
and..
I melt into your hand,
we play against each other
so deliciously
You control
and You control so efficiently that our carnal interlude fills me with calm
I want to come for You
to please You
to do anything that will encourage....ensure,
that You do not cease your erotic direction
of my body and my mind.

Dating Sites

My observations:

According to their tag lines, most men are looking for one of the following:

their "one"
their last true love
a decent honest woman
a down to earth woman
a sincere woman
a simple woman (good one)
a sensible woman

You have to wonder how many of these tag lines are code for........a woman to fuck.  I don't like to be negative but I am betting there are alot of serial daters on these sites; men and women.

The majority of men have:

dogs, children, motorcycles or cars that they love getting their picture taken beside......especially dogs and children

A good percentage of men are 5' 8" or under

I'd say 80% of profiles contain spelling and/or grammar mishaps

Most profiles are very short, 5 lines or less, so contain very little information about the person

 ________________________________________

It is necessary to have a strong stomach for this kind of thing; I don't find it easy at all, whether on vanilla or BDSM sites.  Having said that, I suppose it is better than meeting men in bars or at parties but, it becomes rather confusing after a while; the faces, words, and names all blend in together and, while there could be a GREAT man amongst them, it becomes difficult to SEE.

The Perils of Single Life

I got stood up today.

I drove a bloody hour to meet someone who never showed.

This has left me feeling really icky inside; I suppose, in part, because my "state" of being is a rather vulnerable one these days, due to the events that have occurred over the last few months in my life.

First of all, I have always considered myself (until now) to be a good judge of character.  My judgment has, up until this point, never failed me in any significant way....BUT, all of a sudden THIS has been shattered.  You see I really thought this man was a good one; he wasn't, and so.....how do I trust my judgment again?

Secondly, my level of emotion surprised me, while I was standing there waiting for him...after 20 minutes...and realizing he was not likely to show, I started feeling like a complete idiot, perched on the street like that.  I also began feeling really really sorry for myself......like what a sad loser am I, sort of thing.

Interesting........

I really hope that this is not an omen of things to come, in my new "single" life.

The last thing I want is to become one of those embittered women that I keep hearing about (from men).......go figure.

*sigh*

I need a hug.

Away with the Fairies

I have been experiencing that old familiar sensation again. The one that makes me feel like I am a child trying to persuade all the adults that I am one of them.

I feel like a kid masquerading as an adult; pretending that I actually know what I am doing and where I am going in the world.

I wonder if anyone is actually convinced.

I Thought of You Today

I thought of you today;
felt your strong hand around my wrist
making me feel small and protected,
but I was alone,
no fingers grasping my flesh
no eyes prying me open
to reveal vulnerabilities;
instead I sit,
surrounded by emptiness
that begs to be filled;
silence that plays all too loud,
forcing my eyes to gaze forward
into my future.

On the importance of clear communication and accurate representation

I have been engaged in a conversation with a man on Fetlife. I had pointed out to him that there were several grammatical and spelling errors in his profile. I did this not to be nasty but because if "I" had mistakes in something I had composed, I would like someone to tell me. He took the news very graciously and corrected the errors but also mentioned that he thought that part of my profile was slightly condescending as I make reference to the fact that the ability to write clearly and without a zillion errors, is important to me.

The thing of it is this.......The words we put on these pages (dating sites) are the first and only glance of the person with whom we may wish to communicate; they are, in effect, an advertisement, "the" advertisement. All of these sites have spell check capabilities built in and there is such a thing as proof reading something after you write it to check it for mistakes. If people care about how they present themselves, they will make an effort to ensure that the words they convey are accurate ones....it is not difficult to do.

There has to be a starting point to a relationship. There has to be something to build on. You have to at least have some sort of inkling that this person is, or will be, worthy of your trust and respect. It may not have anything to do with intelligence however I question whether not being able to use the spell check is an indication of something scarier to come.

That is how I feel.

I don't consider myself perfect, far from it; I have many many faults.

Growth

Nothing is Worth More than This Day

It occurs to me today just how fortunate I am.  While out walking I saw a sweet-looking elderly gentleman pushing a woman in a wheel chair up the side of a busy main street where there was not even a pedestrian side walk.  I smiled as I passed them and his expression was kind but painfully defeated.  His life was hard, I could tell.  The woman in the wheelchair was, by the looks of it, completely incapacitated.  Thinking of the challenges they must go through daily and the fact that he was walking with her on a dangerously busy road, even in the absence of sidewalks, made my heart swell.

I have my health.  Regardless of whatever other challenges I may be facing, I am a whole, functioning, physically-able, human being.

I am a very lucky girl.

You Needed Me

I must be in an especially sappy mood today.  I just heard this song and it killed me! *sob*   The lyrics are so beautiful!



I cried a tear, you wiped it dry
I was confused, you cleared my mind
I sold my soul, you bought it back for me
And held me up and gave me dignity
Somehow you needed me

You gave me strength to stand alone again
To face the world out on my own again
You put me high upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me, you needed me

And I can't believe it's you
I can't believe it's true
I needed you and you were there
And I'll never leave, why should I leave?
I'd be a fool 'cause I finally found someone who really cares

You held my hand when it was cold
When I was lost you took me home
You gave me hope when I was at the end
And turned my lies back into truth again
You even called me "friend"

You gave me strength to stand alone again
To face the world out on my own again
You put me high upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me, you needed me

Bad Things

He comes to me
again and again
pulling me through the scenes of our life...
sexing...
making me want to do bad things,
"be" bad things;
making me want to stretch my boundaries
further than I am sure they can go.
I have orgasm after orgasm
thinking about how bad we can be;
wondering why it is
he can hurt
as ferociously as he can love,
but not really caring...
as long as he CAN be,
everything that he is.

Kindred Spirits

It is not often that I get all mushy and awestruck but a certain woman blogger has done it to me.  Her imaginative, witty, intelligent posts touch me deeply.  She, like so many of us, is searching for peace, contentment and Mr. Right, while exploring facets of D/s, DD and M/s relationships.

I highly recommend giving her a visit.

On being self-centered

I came across this quote on the internet today and rather liked it.

My radius is too large; I need to work on shrinking the borders.

Within the Valley of My Soul

Within the valley of my soul,

a restless, hungry spirit roams

since long ago and far away

the appetite it will not sway

and so I wander near and far

to try and get to where you are

I only need to reach the peak

and morph myself to what you seek

but finally I grasp and miss

the velvet promise of your kiss.

Holding on...

Living on the Edge

The Power of the Mind

Come to the Edge

On the relative scarcity of kinky humans

The vanillas (vanillinians?) are taking over the Earth.  The world seems to be full of them, for goodness sake!

Meeting people is tricky, meeting kinky people is far more difficult; it has been many years since I have wanted to venture forth and make connections, I suppose because I had my husband and our friends and neighbors, etc., and I never really felt the need to meet "new" people.

But now....alone in a new city, it is slightly different.  So how, exactly, do I approach this?  I want platonic friends at the moment, not sex friends, so what?......munches?  Fetlife?  And then there is the fact that, in my old life, when I befriended a female I could be relatively sure all she wanted to be was my "friend", but these days it seems that it is practically impossible to find a woman involved in BDSM who is NOT, how do you say.....heteroflexible?   pansexual?  Yes, yes, I realize just because someone enjoys both sexes does not mean they are incapable of platonic friendships......all I am saying is that it throws another dimension into the mix, a mix I do not have beaucoup de experience with.....c'est tout.

Thus far I have limited my roamings to vanilla females, as they are easier to hunt down; indeed I have found a couple of very nice women to talk and walk with BUT.........it seems there are so many things I CANNOT talk to them about that it leaves me wanting.

The search continues.....

On wine gums and feeling Lost

When will my new home start feeling like the right place?

When will my past life start feeling like the wrong place; start feeling like the past?

Were the choices I made, made for the right reasons?

When I start feeling right, will I stop feeling lost?

Am I living the life I am suppose to be living?

Does Maynards put a drug in Wine Gums to make them so addictive?



Anyway, I am back here in the land of the people that write drivel in blogs so I suppose I should keep up appearances....

With regard to this whole BDSM thing, I am completely unaware of where I stand as it has taken on a much less important flavor in my new life. I believe this is because I have many other things to think/worry about at the moment and don't feel inclined to spend time focusing on my lust filled loins....although, I do spend some time. The Rain Man is still putting up with me and is very much a part of my life but, alas, I do frustrate him so. One minute I am begging for a D/s relationship and the next I am giving him grief and being anything BUT submissive to him.....the man is a Saint, to be quite honest. I think he regards me as a challenge and a challenge is definitely what I give him, though not on purpose (most of the time).

I attended another play party, this time a public one, and I enjoyed it much more than the private one as I was able to sink into the background and "lurk" and "leer", which was a heck of alot of fun. My goodness the odd spectacles, and people, I encountered! Yes, good fun it was! I did not "play", although the Rain Man wanted to; but the only place available was right under the crowd's nose and I wanted to hide in the back so we wouldn't be seen. I am definitely NOT that brave, nor that exhibitionistic, to be way out in the open making a spectacle of myself! *shudder*

So, I await the beginning of my course, which starts in September, and wander around my new city wondering what, exactly, I am suppose to "be" and "do".

When I have all the answers, I will let you know.

In absentia.....

I apologize for my absence as of late.

I am trapped in the fog of life, at the moment; trying to find my way....like so many of you, like so many of us.

The path is slowly clearing and I can now see one foot, as it is placed before the other....which is a good thing....

So I expect to be back, and literarily inspired, very shortly.

*smile*

In the meantime, I need you to smile and I need you to laugh. I need you to understand that life is short and there is no point in allowing it to swallow you up whole, until you are a sour lemon of a being, stinging people's eyes whenever you squirt.

Perfection

To discover the sea again, was a revelation...how magnificently the wind and water had sculpted the sandgrains into works of art; accompanied by the soothing orchestra of wind and waves and the blinding beauty of millions of microscopic diamonds glistening at my feet...no matter how hard I tried to find one...

there could never be a more perfect moment than this.

Addiction

I often wonder what it is

this magic that we do
The rush of life
perverted lust
excitement through and through...
fantasies oft awkwardly revealed
are somehow more powerful
when shared with you
for you will not judge me
on my edgy thoughts
nor things I say or do...
cause YOU my dear
have sharp edges too
which pulsate divinely
whenever they're in view.


Photograph: Max Sauco

On learning how to walk

The man made me cry with his kindness. His strong arms enveloped me while his words of protection and caring soothed me. All my stored tears escaped as I melted into his embrace like a wounded little girl...and I was all the more grateful, for I knew that he would not take advantage of my vulnerability; that his arms would only hold me; that his hands would only stroke my hair, and I would not be asked to give anything I was not comfortable in giving. "No strings attached", he said, and I felt, in that moment, that I could never pull myself away; that I needed to stay inside the safety net he was offering. But then....I awoke, and realized that the real world was where I needed to be; that I would have to learn to accept the embrace of uncertainty and fear, at least for a little while...at least until I grew up and could stand on my own 2 feet, without searching for arms to steady me.

For all we've done and all we've been...

For all that we have done and seen
For all that we have lived and been
For all the history we have made
For all the good and bad things played
For all the time that’s past since then
I know I’d do it all again...

And so I wish from deep within
That you remember where we’ve been
And always with a loving eye
I’ll look to you,
until I die.

My wish for you...

For those of you with love that’s true

of deep devotion thru and thru
where passion like a river flows
along the bed of ecstasy’s throws
and water runs from many tears
induced by His calming
long years of fears
of never finding one who knows
who truly understands the need
where finally you are free to see
each as you were meant to be.

For those who understand these words
my heart is full, my soul is glad
I wish for you long days of peace
and hope your bond may never cease.

What to do when you want more than kinky sex OR Weed them vanilla beans carefully

Fucking Idiots! I'm sorry but the horditudes of men on Collarme that have nics with sir, lord or master in them is unbelievable.....and then!!! and then they write in their profiles they are looking for subs to serve them, cater to their needs, rub their fucking shoulders and oh oh!...the subs must be in good physical shape and have great bodies to serve them by. Good grief! I have really had it! You know, tis a real shame as I have met some rather nice individuals on that site over the last couple of years but it has really gone downhill....wayyyyyy down hill! It seems to attract the sex grovelers mostly now and not as many "real" people that are actually looking for an honest relationship. Please excuse the profanity, but GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

What a shame! I guess it is onto vanilla sites for me. I shall have to pick my vanilla beans very carefully to find ones that have dominant bits cause.......

I am not perfect
nor unique
I tend to wander when I speak
I'm just your average female joe
trying to run my life-like show
and yes perhaps I feel the need
to be submissive; pay him heed
but on vanilla sites I go
for CM men, I don't wanna know
so how to pick the D/s among
the many men just there for fun
not only D, but long term too
cause casual for me, won't do
so with my list of subbie needs
I weed and stream vanilla seeds
in hopes a fertile one will show
and we can make the D/s grow.

*sigh* Trials and tribulations.

More than 2

I went to my first kinky-people-gathering/play party the other night.....very nervous and not knowing what to expect, either in what I was going to "see", or in what my reaction to what I "saw" would be. It was a private play party and the people in attendance were all friends and very nice and personable individuals. What I very much enjoyed was simply being in a room full of unconventional people and being able to talk about whatever....the whatever including all manner of perversions.......wow! How very liberating that was!

What I was not comfortable with, was the play part. Watching people undress and engage in stuff, took me way out of my comfort zone. I felt as though I was intruding into their private space and that I should not have been there. Now I know that is not how "they" felt, but still.....I felt how I felt.

See, to me, sexual interactions between two people "are", or should be, meaningful and intense.....private and intimate. (Does that make me prudish?) To expose yourselves to the outside world somehow lessens the specialness of the intimacy; it does indeed become "play" for play sake. Now, obviously, for many people, that is part of the appeal, whether they be exhibitionistic, or perhaps just view the experience as a chance to share and feed off the sexual energy of other kinky people engaging in scenes around them.

Whatever the case may be, I am not sure that, other than curiosity, I will ever be able to derive much from the public play experience. Not being one to give up easily, however, I will definitely "try" this out again......*smile* As I said earlier, just being in an environment with alt-minded people, is/was, in itself, a very refreshing endeavor.

Pick a Cherry Dammit!

My brain hurts terribly. I have been agonizing over the decision of whether or not to go back to school in September. Never have I known what I want to be when I grow up, and still this is the case; yet I feel I need a new direction, a new beginning......the problem lies within the fact that I have no idea what direction I want to take. Because of my advanced age and limited financial resources it seems imperative that I make the "right" decision, and this is weighing heavily on me. It is weighing so heavily that I am in danger of sitting in one place and not moving in ANY direction. I have always had a problem with "deciding", always afraid of not thinking the problem through as thoroughly as I could have or, heaven forbid, making the "wrong" decision. And optimists will say, "there is no such thing as a wrong decision, as you learn by everything you do and what can be wrong with learning"? I might have agreed with that when I was 20 but it seems a bit different now, from where I stand.

Tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor, rich man, poor man, beggar man, thief,
Or what about a cowboy, policeman, jailer, engine driver, or a pirate chief?
Or what about a ploughman or a keeper at the zoo,
Or what about a circus man who lets the people through?
Or the man who takes the pennies on the roundabouts and swings,
Or the man who plays the organ or the other man who sings?
Or What about the rabbit man with rabbits in his pockets
And what about a rocket man who's always making rockets?
Oh it's such a lot of things there are and such a lot to be
That there's always lots of cherries on my little cherry tree.

I wish the damn cherries would all fall off, leaving only one.

That would make it much easier.

The Exchange

The beauty of Power Exchange, as seen through my eyes, and needed within my soul:

He always listens carefully to what I have to say and values me, respectfully, as a partner of intelligence and worth but....

I am not on equal footing with Him

He holds the power and control

He has the final say on everything

This works, as I trust Him completely and have chosen Him because I feel safe and secure under the power and control He wields

It doesn't have to be complicated, does it?

Lookin for Love in all the Wrong Places

Insecure, needy, defensive, paranoid, obsessive compulsive, recently separated from LTR, woman, seemingly skilled in the art of blackening and poisoning everything she touches......interested in finding a male that will accept her for what she is BUT will not put up with it!!!!

Fantasies.......

have to be unrealistic because the moment you get what you seek, you don’t, you can’t, want it anymore. In order to continue to exist, desire must have its objects perpetually absent. It’s not the it that you want, it is the fantasy of it.

Jacques Lacan

Beauty

I wrote beauty
when you were in my life
inspired by the softness I felt inside
you were my fluid muse
my silent sanctuary

I felt beauty
when you were in my life
my blood boiled with warmth
body hugged by a blanket
of turbulent calm

I was beauty
when you were in my life
invaded as I was
by all parts of you......
once upon a time

No Shortage of Oddities

I was reading on CM about a man who wants to train women to be used as toilets. He says he will "break" them, then train them to be full-service (skat) toilets on command. He doesn't want a girlfriend or a wife, he wants no-limit slaves and garbage disposals. For some reason I would really like to meet this individual; find out what motivates him, what horrible events he had to endure as a child that may have brought him to this depraved place. I mean, what kind of a person "is" this anyway? His profile is well written and articulate; he obviously has a brain. I am bizarrely curious.

Let's not even mention the females who are going to respond favorably to this wonderful offer.

*sigh*

It is all rather sad.

The oddities and complexities of life never cease to amaze me.

If I Never Pass This Way Again

If I never pass this way again,
where memories are ripe and true,
my heart entwined with all that's past,
my vision clear and sharp, of you,
who held me in your fold so long,
with tenderness and calming song,
safe under your watchful eye,
you hugged me as you made me cry;
my spectrum of emotions fell,
within your grasp I knew so well,
and if, by chance, our end is near,
for you, My Love, is ever dear.

I See You

I don't write words here with the aim to receive any kind of reward. My words are personal and hold meaning to "me"; I can only hope that those that pass by my page leave it with something that holds meaning to "them". While there are many that visit without leaving a trail, there are a few dear souls who leave comments or send email. To discover that a a few thoughts from my mind can link me, soulfully, with kindred spirits around the world, fills my heart with a light that is hard to describe. I have been traveling along this road for several months now and it is those of you I am able to touch in some small way, that touch "me" in a very very large way.

I thank you all. Those that pass silently and those that leave a trace.

We are connected. I see you.

Reveal me

If I remain trapped inside, I will succumb to the decay of a thousand poison thoughts.

Reveal me...before the erosion becomes irreversible.